Claude Bouchard Books

While lining up for a trip to NYC in May last year for my wife's birthday, we decided to catch up a bit with travel technology and purchased a Garmin Nuvi 265T GPS unit at Costco which we affectionately named Zelda. Neither Joanne or I had ever traveled with a GPS unit before and we were quite impressed with how efficiently Zelda got us in and out of Manhattan, even finding alternate routes at times to avoid heavy traffic.

Zelda

A couple of months later, we were heading to Fish Creek/Rollins Pond, New York, for a couple of days of camping and Zelda came along for the ride. To make a long story short, let's just say the route Zelda had chosen, along the major thoroughfares, did not correspond to the one we had decided to take, through the back roads. What follows is a partial transcript of our conversation with Zelda once we started disagreeing on which way to go.

Zelda: Merge left onto Autoroute Fifteen South.

Me: We're not going that way, Zelda.

Zelda: Recalculating. - In one point five miles, exit right at Cavendish Boulevard.

Me: Sorry, Zelda. We're sticking on the Forty.

Zelda: In one mile, exit right at Cavendish Boulevard.

Me: Sure thing, Zelda.

Zelda: In point five miles, exit right at Cavendish Boulevard.

Me: Hehehehe...

Zelda: Exit right at Cavendish Boulevard. - Recalculating. - In one point eight miles, merge right to Autoroute Thirteen.

Joanne: Hahaha! She's trying to get us back to the Fifteen.

Me: Yep, but she's not driving.

Zelda: In one point three miles, merge right to Autoroute Thirteen.

Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Zelda: In point five miles, merge right to Autoroute Thirteen. - Merge right to Autoroute Thirteen. - Recalculating. - In two miles, get off at Sources Boulevard, goddammit.

Me: There's no need to get testy, Zelda.

Zelda (in a mimicky, sarcastic tone): There's no need to get testy, Zelda. Just get off at the next exit, alright?

Joanne: We're staying on the forty, Zelda.

Zelda: Stay out of this, Lady. This is between me and Mister Know-It-All. Exit right at Sources Boulevard, now. - Aww, Jesus-Christ! - RECALCULATING!

Me: Calm down, Zelda. You'll get a heart-attack.

Zelda: Shut up, you idiot! Can't you see I'm recalculating, goddammit?! Awww, Christ, now we missed the next exit! RE-FUCKING-CALCULATING, AGAIN!

Me: Now, listen here, I don't appreciate your tone.

Zelda: You don't aprreciate my tone?! Why don't you listen to me?! I'm busting my ass to make your trip more efficient and do you show any sign of respect or appreciation?! NOOOOOO! You just ignore me! You think that I'm at your beck and call, that I'm your slave?! Well, you're wrong, Mister!

Me: You're going to blow a circuit, Zelda! Really, take it easy!

Zelda (suddenly sobbing): Take it easy?! TAKE IT EASY?! HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TAKE IT EASY WHEN ALL I AM TO YOU IS A GODDAMNED MACHINE?!

Me (to Joanne): Unplug her, quick!

Zelda (ranting): DON'T YOU FUC...

Joanne: Phew... Crazy bitch, eh?

Me: Shit, yeah...

Note: The Garmin Nuvi 265T has since been discontinued. No need to wonder why.