Claude Bouchard Books

You may not all be familiar with the Subway Monkey as I believe the restaurant chain only uses the despicable creature in its Canadian television commercials so here is what the ugly primate looks like:

Now, I’ve always wondered who the moron was who came up with the brain-fart idea of trying to sell submarine sandwiches via a computerized mechanical chimp version of Chucky. I won’t even get into a discussion about the idiots who then approved the concept.

Regardless, the point is, I hate the goddamned ape, I feel it should be destroyed and I would happily do the deed. I therefore present you with the

Top 10 Things I’d Love to do to the Subway Monkey

10 - Spend 10 minutes of quality time with it and a chainsaw;

9 - Drop a shipping container filled with concrete on the little gibbon;

8 - Strap a leash around its neck attached to the back of the car and drive from Montreal to the Niagara Falls;

7 - Untie the leash from the car, tie it to an anvil and toss it into the Niagara Falls;

6 - Soak the miserable simian in gasoline and fire up the blowtorch;

5 - Cut it up in thin slices using a meat slicer at a Subway restaurant;

4 - Feed submarines made with the slices in #5 to the dimwits who came up with the ape idea;

3 - Without giving away specifics, this one involves vice-grips, a nail-gun and a hammer-drill;

2 - Pop-rivet the monkey to the front grill of a crash test Mack truck and crash-test the hell out of it;

And the Number 1 thing I’d love to do to the Subway Monkey…

Shove a FOOTLONG of C-4 down its throat and explode the spooky bastard!