Claude Bouchard Books

I opened my Twitter account on August 3, 2009, at precisely 12:29:38 PM according to TweetGrader. Since, I've gone from 0 followers to 190,665 at the time of writing this post which translates into an average of approximately 253 followers gained per day. As per TweetGrader, I've been in the #1 spot on Twitter in Canada almost always for over a year and have hit #1 worldwide at least half a dozen times which I'm aware of.

Please understand I'm not boasting here but rather just stating some facts which have led me to write about this. With the track record I've established, it should come as no surprise that the question I've been asked the most is, "How did you get so many followers?" After careful consideration and much thought, I have decided to answer this much asked question and will now share the secrets of my Twitter success. What follows are the various elements of my process which, if applied singly might generate limited success but when implemented concurrently, produce staggering results.

Followbacks: I've seen many people attempt to achieve star status on Twitter by not following people back or unfollowing once people have followed them. The intent is to have a much higher number of followers than followees, giving a false and transparent impression of importance. Such people rarely get incredible numbers of followers unless they happen to be Ellen Degeneres, Bill Gates and a few others. I follow back anyone who follows me unless they turn out to be idiots, morons, jerks, psychopaths, serial killers and other similar categories.

Tweets: At the time of writing this post, I've sent 93,878 tweets, all of which contained subliminal messages. Indeed, every tweet I've sent contained a hidden message, scientifically formulated to compliment people, make them feel good, make them laugh, etc. With such tweets, people are invariably drawn to follow me. It's almost cult-like, but not quite.

Respect: Through careful observation, I quickly came to realize that people who insult others, call them bitches, mufuckas, dickheads and the like, don't tend to attract as many followers. With this knowledge, I have been careful not to insult others or call them bitches, mufuckas, dickheads and the like.

Replying back: To the extent possible, I reply back to tweets which are sent to me. In some cases, particularly with tweets in foreign languages, my response may not make sense but the fact the tweets received are incomprehensible to me balances the playing field.

And finally,

Chocolate chip cookies: Without exception, all of my followers are sent their choice of home-baked white chocolate, milk chocolate or dark chocolate chip cookies. Don't try doing this with store-bought cookies as they just don't work. For anyone following me who has not yet received their cookies, you may want to consider suing your chubby mailman.

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