Claude Bouchard Books

Crime Thrillers and other Stuff...

Simple Musings: Profound thoughts of mine, Luke Romyn's and occasional other deep thinking guests.

 

Studies show that suicide bombers are a dying breed.

Don't kill the messenger... unless he's really, really annoying. – Luke Romyn

If you google Google, you get Google. How self-centered are these people?

All's fair in love and war... except kicking in the nuts. Don't do that. – Luke Romyn

I find people look dumb when they tweet while walking down the street... Especially with a desktop...

Physics govern the universe... well, them and General Zod. – Luke Romyn

I got tased the other day and frankly, I was shocked.

You know it's bad when herpes catches you and not the other way around. – Luke Romyn

You know you’ll have a bad day when you wake up and the time on the clock radio is 6:66.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of stupid. – Luke Romyn

I looked up dictionary in an online dictionary and it said, "You're here, stupid."

Everyone should have at least one apple per day to stay healthy. That's why I throw them at random strangers while driving. – Luke Romyn

I once knew a girl named Ann Archy... She was very politically confused & disordered.

Why worry? Nobody gives a crap what you think anyway. – Luke Romyn

There’s one thing I don’t like about Christmas… Killer humbugs.

They told me to hit the road and I broke my hand. – Luke Romyn

I developed a smart phone with a full size keyboard. It’s great for tweeting but a bitch to stick in my pocket.

Vitamins are good for you... unless you choke on them and die. – Luke Romyn

If you order from Dominos online, is you pizza emailed in 30 minutes or it’s free?

I'm self employed and hate my boss. – Luke Romyn

I want to look up procrastination in the dictionary but I think I’ll do that tomorrow.

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. Oh no, wait... nope, it's just a duck. Sorry. – Luke Romyn

I figured out how to start the car with my smart-phone. Wish I knew how to turn it off...

I'm developing a new and improved version of new and improved. – Luke Romyn

In my opinion, Friskies turkey and cheese is the best canned cat food on the market. My cats like it too.

I got a home gym and my house has never looked fitter. – Luke Romyn

I'm learning how to do more and more cool stuff with my new smart-phone. Someday, I'll figure out how to make a call.

I'm home alone. McCauley Culkin lied, it's nowhere near as much fun as he made out. Little bastard. – Luke Romyn

Governments would be more effective if they applied the rules of ‘double-dog daring’ and ‘jinx’.

To make a long story short, the end. – Luke Romyn

They say to give credit where credit is due so I always pay my VISA bills.

Ignorance is bliss. Just goes to show why there are so many blissful people walking around. – Luke Romyn

Peanuts can be very sneaky.

I'm politically aware - aware that I have absolutely no idea about politics. – Luke Romyn

You know you didn’t have the highest quality wine when there’s an inch of sludge in the bottom of the bottle and your teeth turn purple.

Everyone has a nemesis. For some it is bathing. – Luke Romyn

The cool thing about cats is they don’t get angry when you threaten to cut off their trust fund.

Every man has a weak spot. In fact, he has two. – Luke Romyn

Eating hash brownies when you have the munchies may cause excessive weight gain.

Boring comes in all languages. – Luke Romyn

Besides that song, I've never found anytime I could appropriately use the words, "Ooga-Chaka"...

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonig - hang on. That's not a star. It's a space station!!! – Luke Romyn

I wonder what kind of rent that old lady paid who lived in a shoe.

Falafellfelatio: the vegetarian alternative to eating meat. – Luke Romyn

The Dalai Lama has 2.2 million followers on Twitter, yet he follows nobody. Who does he think he is?

My dog listens to my every command. At least when it's asleep and I tell it to stay. – Luke Romyn

If you think God is all powerful, imagine what his boss is like.

Glasses are the best way to look intelligent... unless, of course, you forgot to wear pants. – Luke Romyn

A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet… Unless the bastard mugs you.

Computers are great. I feel so much better after throwing one out a window. – Luke Romyn

I’m ton dyslexic.

I fight fair, it's the baseball bat that doesn't. – Luke Romyn

I like to walk into a drugstore and ask for a pound of cocaine.

Kiss you grandmother, but mind the stubble. – Luke Romyn

I sometimes confuse karma with caramel.

Some people are like a side salad of stupid. – Luke Romyn

My ophthalmologist put drops in my eyes which really distorted my vision so when they wore off, I thought I could see better.

Befriend clumsy people. When the zombie apocalypse happens you're gonna appreciate someone who falls whenever they run. – Luke Romyn

I once took a short walk on a long pier… cuz I’m not stupid.

Constructive criticism does not include a hammer. – Luke Romyn

I wish people who write captcha-codes had better penmanship.

I still can't tell whether or not I'm confused. – Luke Romyn

How do squirrels travel in areas with underground power lines?

Charades are much easier when they come with subtitles. – Luke Romyn

Which one of the Marx brothers was Karl?

Be careful when you ask someone to be honest with you, they might be. – Luke Romyn

Why don’t they use cocktail wieners as drink ornaments?

Love hurts. Actually, that's more the whips and chains... – Luke Romyn

A selfish person can often be found in a group. Me, myself and I.

I can breakdance, but to be honest it's more like breakingstuffdance. – Luke Romyn

I'd blame how I act on the meds but I'm not taking any...

When sleeping on the couch try not to think about the fact your face is lying upon the spot where someone usually parks their butt. – Luke Romyn

In addition to the “poke” button, maybe FaceBook should add a “slap in the head” button.

Some people are sore losers, but then again most of these are assholes when they win too. – Luke Romyn

I tried singing in the shower but damn near got electrocuted with the mike.

Have I told you lately that I love you? No? Good, that means I haven't fallen off the wagon. – Luke Romyn

I sometimes wonder if I’m a figment of my imagination.

My friend hired a prostitute and asked for the girlfriend experience. She told him to get out and she never wanted to see him again. – Luke Romyn

My stepdaughter was over and asked her mom if she had any moose to put in her hair. Huh?

There can be only one... except for all the sequels and spin-offs. – Luke Romyn

For some reason, my “sixty inch tablet computer” concept didn’t catch on.

When the doctor tells me to drop my pants, I like to yell, "TA DAAAA!!!" – Luke Romyn

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. – Special contribution by Michael Caligiuri

My goal in life is to never be used as the 'before' picture. – Luke Romyn

Our friend, Anne Droyd is a technological wizard.

In a rare case of species crossover, scientists have discovered that sex-kittens possess the ability to turn into bitches. – Luke Romyn

What the hell is the purpose of "poking" on FaceBook?

My life would be so much better if I knew... stuff. – Luke Romyn

I had a job working under the table but I kept on bashing my head when I’d stand up.

You know you're a hopeless fighter when Bruce Lee would kick your ass... now. – Luke Romyn

The first ever rapper was Dr. Suess – Special contribution by Joanne Chase

Blame it on the dog... unless we're talking about thermonuclear warfare. – Luke Romyn

“Toot sweet” is not proper French.

You know it was a good party when you wake up wearing a helicopter. – Luke Romyn

Mary had a little lamb… And garlic mashed potatoes and sautéed mushrooms.

Tazer guns and testicles do not belong together. – Luke Romyn

According to TV Guide, “To be announced” was scheduled on FOX last night but they ran something else.

I set the world on fire and painted the town red. Man did I get in trouble for that. – Luke Romyn

I just had a great, new idea for a book or film! Vampires!

Always strive to be good at something, even if it's just at being bad. – Luke Romyn

It must be terrible to be afraid of heights if you’re a bird.

Life is a test of strength. Laughter is a test of bladder. – Luke Romyn

What kind of printer do you need to order pizza online?

Bad dreams are just your mind's way of telling you it thinks you're an asshole. – Luke Romyn

Imagine if you were a squirrel AND were allergic to nuts.

There's just not enough walking the plank anymore. – Luke Romyn

My friend, Claire Voyante, always seems to know what I’m going to do next.

I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. Bastard never came when I called him. – Luke Romyn

I once threw my hands in the air. They landed on the roof and I had a bitch of a time getting the ladder out.

Alien anal probes might just be their way of shaking hands. – Luke Romyn

Health Tip of the Day: If you use a toothbrush to clean the toilet, make sure it’s not yours.

Worms do not substitute for toothpicks. – Luke Romyn

What exactly do you put a trash can in if you want to throw it out?

Cats don't make good lunchboxes. – Luke Romyn

I find it terrible that many cars today, even luxury vehicles, don't seem to have functional turn signals.

Testicles were a primitive temperature gauge. – Luke Romyn

Don’t you hate it when you go out to run errands and halfway through them, you realize you forgot to put on your pants?

My dentist gave me a weird look when I brought in my broken Bluetooth for him to fix. – Luke Romyn

The first time I ever heard of the world-wide web, I freaked as I imagined the size of the spider.

Sometimes you shouldn't look at the moon, especially when it's attached to that hairy guy with loose pants bending over. – Luke Romyn

The next time you walk face first into a spider web, just remember that it’s spider poo.

10-pin bowling would be a whole different story if it was played using penguins. – Luke Romyn

I plan to study Quantum mechanics so I can do my own oil changes.

Don't trust the crunchy Coca Cola. – Luke Romyn

Avoid sneezing when carrying two cups of coffee.

How come older folk who can't hear well want the music turned down, but youngsters with perfect hearing want it loud? – Luke Romyn

This is my A-list: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

It's still stalking if you wear pants... apparently. – Luke Romyn

I finally figured out what an enigma is. It’s when you inject liquid up your butt.

You can't put a price tag on batshit crazy. – Luke Romyn

I like to use words like Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis when I play hangman.

Cats talk about you behind your back. Cockroaches too. – Luke Romyn

I’d take government much more seriously if politicians had to wear clown suits.

Sensitive new-age guys are great! Their head makes a completely different sound when you bounce it off a table. – Luke Romyn

Letting your kids use Semtex or C-4 as molding clay is not recommended.

Love hurts, especially when she's got you by the balls. – Luke Romyn

As the man fell off the cliff, he considered the gravity of the situation.

I don't trust my gynecologist. He just looks at me like I'm an idiot, takes my money and tells me I'm fine. Bastard. – Luke Romyn

Who gives a damn about how much wood can woodchuck chuck?

The best things in life are someone else's. – Luke Romyn

When someone tells me, “If I were you, I’d do it this way,” I always think, ‘No, you wouldn’t cuz you’d be me.’

You know you've got a weight problem when friends use you as an anchor for the boat. – Luke Romyn

If a prostitute pleasures herself, how much does she charge?

Don't go to a masquerade if you're having an identity crisis. – Luke Romyn

There are some strange people on Twitter but, enough about me...

It saddens me when spammers stop putting effort into their annoying crap. – Luke Romyn

I hit the road yesterday; when I fell off my bike.

Some days the sky just opens up and gives you the finger. – Luke Romyn

Do gangstas in Britain live in the bonnet?

Loving family is great, except when it's illegal. – Luke Romyn

You can always tell if someone is lying by their burning pants.

Everything happens for a reason, even if it's just to make the people around you laugh. – Luke Romyn

Does anybody actually eat those eggs people cook on the sidewalk when it’s really hot?

Some days I feel I could take on anything if only I could be bothered. – Luke Romyn

I’ve invented a dream-recording system but I can’t figure out where to plug in the USB cable.

"Till death do us part," is not a challenge.... – Luke Romyn

If I suddenly had a heart attack and died, it would kill me.

I decided to stick it out, then I got arrested. – Luke Romyn

I find there are far too few occasions to say calliope during everyday conversations.

It's not a miracle, it's just silicone. – Luke Romyn

I hired one of those ‘life coaches’. He charged me fifty bucks and said, “Don’t die.”

Recreational drugs should have a disclaimer to say you'll probably dance like an idiot. – Luke Romyn

Never say never. Aww, damn, I just said it twice…

If you can't be incredible, at least you can look damn good while trying. – Luke Romyn

I fired my life coach cuz the bastard was annoying with his constant attempts to motivate me.

Promise me you won't make any more promises. – Luke Romyn

For a while, I was on the ball but the damned thing rolled and I fell off.

You might be a bitch, but there's no need to be a bitch about it. – Luke Romyn

I’ve always wondered if Nostradamus foresaw his death.

Would Kevin Bacon have been so popular if his name was Kevin Snowcone? – Luke Romyn

Imagine how confusing it would be if we were all named Raphael.

Moses forgot the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not play World of Warcraft on Laundry Day. – Luke Romyn

Have you ever considered what life would be like if we didn’t have triangles?

Dr. Frankenstein was the first bodybuilder. – Luke Romyn

I thought it was windy outside but, as it turned out, the trees were simply dancing.

Why don't chicken breasts have nipples? – Luke Romyn

Never confuse cake with coke unless you don’t mind icing up your nose.

9 out of 10 mathematicians agree that pi is the tastiest number. – Luke Romyn

Eggs really have it made. They come into the world getting laid.

Just because sex is relative doesn't mean you should try it with your cousin. – Luke Romyn

Who the hell came up with haberdashery to mean men’s clothing?

What goes around comes around, especially when talking about Ferris-wheel masturbation. – Luke Romyn

If I were a tree, I’d want to be and Ent.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. That and alien anal probes. – Luke Romyn

I get annoyed when our cats use the toaster oven without our supervision.

Don't live in the past, the fashion sucks. – Luke Romyn

My cookbook, “50 Tasty Road-Kill Recipes”, never caught on.

Is there any such thing as an atheist mantis? – Luke Romyn

Sure, we have popcorn, but what about poppeas, popcarrots and popturnips?

It's not the pit-bull's fault children taste so good. – Luke Romyn

I’m all for the expression “right as rain” except when I’m planning a barbecue.

Absurdity is simply urdity with a six-pack. – Luke Romyn

Should one use scissors or a serrated knife when cutting some slack?

There are no wrong answers in a urine test... unless it's blue. – Luke Romyn

I love that fun little game we play on Twitter where someone follows me so I follow them then they unfollow me and I block them.

Life would be much easier if thought bubbles were a reality. – Luke Romyn

Why don’t they make perfume that smells like bacon?

Nagging is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. – Luke Romyn

Those little black things in watermelons are the pits.

When in doubt, add alcohol. – Luke Romyn

I once saw a highly intelligent mule. He was a real smart-ass.

In the midnight hour, she cries more, more, more... pancakes. – Luke Romyn

I’ve never understood how exactly someone could end up in a pickle.

It's no longer stalking if you catch them, right? – Luke Romyn

I worked out yesterday. I played with the cat for a minute.

Old MacDonald had a farm, and he could only spell with vowels, apparently. – Luke Romyn

Wouldn’t it be cool if everyone spoke in simultaneous translation in at least four languages?

One day therapy will finally be developed for sexually abused vacuum cleaners. – Luke Romyn

I shoved a couple of tomatoes, a green pepper and an onion in a jar and called it super-chunky salsa.

Life could be worse, it could be over. . – Luke Romyn

Anti-social media is just like social media except that everybody tells each other to fuck off.

Beware of enormous eyebrows, they're the first sign you're turning into a Muppet. . – Luke Romyn

I found one of our cats in the laundry hamper the other day. Must have been a hell of a party.

Every window has a view. Some are just hidden behind crap. . – Luke Romyn

I can’t prove it, but I think our cats are doing meth.

It'll be a cold day in Hell before you see a cold day in Hell. . – Luke Romyn

You hear a lot about anti-virus software but nothing about pro-virus software.

Don't kill the messenger unless the message is to kill the messenger. . – Luke Romyn

There’s no such thing as a free lunch, unless you run out of the restaurant without paying the bill.

Why aren't there double-decker cars? – Luke Romyn

Whenever I need some cash, I go to the Dollar Store.

Some things deserve a second glance, but not in prison. – Luke Romyn

My favourite law of thermodynamics is version 3.7.

Every day is another day closer to something. – Luke Romyn

Why don’t they just put that chunky salsa in a blender and call it tomato/vegetable dip?

If your ego feels deflated and your life goes round in circles, make sure you're not a tire. – Luke Romyn

I will never take my cats to a fancy restaurant because they seriously lack good table manners.

You can look, but not touch.... OK, you can touch, but not there.... OK, there too. – Luke Romyn

Soem poelpe say I mihgt be dislexyc btu I know thier rwong.

My 'check engine' light in my car came on so I checked it. It's still there. – Luke Romyn

Was abbreviation invented to make itself shorter?

Cavemen went camping too. They called it 'life'. – Luke Romyn

Where does one look up the definition of dictionary?

Everyone's immortal until proven otherwise. – Luke Romyn

They should put preservatives in natural foods to make them keep longer.

The cat is the hardest musical instrument to master. – Luke Romyn

Want to fascinate your cat? Just move something from here to there.

It's better to be full of crap than full of nothing... or is it the other way around? – Luke Romyn

Whenever I play “If Your Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands”, at some point, I drop my guitar.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love... and cupcakes... and puppies... definitely puppies. Yep. – Luke Romyn

Is someone who never puts things off until later an anticrastinator?

It's not a jigsaw puzzle if there's only one piece. – Luke Romyn

If you stick a cork in your butt, can you call it a windbreaker?

It's not a lie, I'm just telling fiction. – Luke Romyn

Don’t you hate it when you’re looking for a needle in a haystack and all you keep finding are nails and screws?

To anyone who thinks I know what I'm doing, I can assure you it's all a hoax. – Luke Romyn

The first ever sensationalistic reality TV show was created in 1980 by Ted Turner and still airs today. It’s called CNN.

Am I the only one who thinks naughty things whenever someone uses the word 'innuendo'? – Luke Romyn

Somehow, ‘spelunking’ takes all the excitement out of cave exploration.

I'm a collector of indecision... actually I'm not really... well, yes I am... but I'm not. – Luke Romyn

What scientific theory is it that explains why anything you need in your chest freezer is always at the damned bottom?

Why is it called an autograph if I have to manually do it? – Luke Romyn

Be wary of accepting to play golf with someone suffering from dyslexia.

Marmosets are often misunderstood. I think it's their accents. – Luke Romyn

According to my calculations, once I have 897,458,369,524 followers on Twitter, I may be able to live off my book sales.

You might be anonymous, but at least people know who you are.... Oh yeah, right. – Luke Romyn

I write commercial fiction. Instead of adjectives, I use advertisements.

Just remember that if you do nothing you can't do anything wrong. – Luke Romyn

My friend, Dee Zaster, is quite the clumsy lady.

Photoshop is like 2 dimensional liposuction. – Luke Romyn

Whenever I do an @SUM in an Excel spreadsheet, I get hungry for Chinese food.

Is a crackpot a pot full of crack? – Luke Romyn

Shouldn’t Kraft Dinner packages have a “May contain real cheese” warning for those who are lactose-intolerant?

It's not stale, your bread is simply aroused. – Luke Romyn

Some people sometimes miss incredible opportunities to simply shut the hell up.

When in doubt, try to do what Scooby would do. – Luke Romyn

Approximately 40% of the people who unfollow me on Twitter do not speak English. The other 60% are idiots.

Leaving things left unsaid is awkward in front of a judge. – Luke Romyn

I don’t care what mathematicians say, I’ve done some gardening and I’ve never seen a square root.

There's too much sex on TV. No wonder I never get outside. – Luke Romyn

I finally figured out what the ‘bagel’ switch on our toaster is for. It turns on a little red light.

Bacon is my favorite vegetable. – Luke Romyn

I’d be leery of taking any prescription medicine for which one of the known side-effects is death.

Love yourself at all times... but not like that, and especially not in public. – Luke Romyn

Keeping our New Year’s resolution of not drinking on weekdays was a lot easier than we thought, especially once we starting doing cocaine.

Sterility is highly important when trying to operate. Sorry, I meant sterilization. – Luke Romyn

Did you ever dream that you were enjoying a sumptuous feast and then woke up and couldn’t find the cats?

Stand back when porn stars yell, "Thar she blows!" – Luke Romyn

Our goldfish was getting pretty good at playing fetch until I accidentally hit it with the baseball.

You know it's time to diet when the top button of your pants pops off and flies across the room with such force it kills the cat. – Luke Romyn

It’s time that we confess. We treat our cats like animals.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is let things go. Not when you're hanging from a helicopter, of course. – Luke Romyn

If man had the flexibility of a cat, would he have invented toilet paper?

Since the shark attack, I'm half the man I used to be. – Luke Romyn

Where exactly is the kaboodle on a kitten?

Violence solves nothing except a debate about who's more violent. – Luke Romyn

Gangsta rappers often say “Word” but they never say “Excel” or “Powerpoint”.

Gotta feel sorry for all the dyslexic aliens stuck in Area 15. – Luke Romyn

We don’t have Democrats and Republicans in Canada. We have Idiots and Morons.

Whenever I try to understand confusion I tend to become... well... you know. – Luke Romyn

Do internet café computers run on java?

Don't skydive from trains. – Luke Romyn

I wish someone would invent warmer ice and snow.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, give that man a gun and he can rob any fish shop he wants. – Luke Romyn

As per my wife, Joanne, on the subject of Twitter and Facebook, if you don’t have anything interesting to say, shut the fuck up.

Sometimes you look at someone and fireworks go off. Hopefully they're not aimed at your head. – Luke Romyn

There are advantages to those annoying commercials on television. Pee breaks, for example.

I might not be an acrobat, but I can fall as well as the best of them. – Luke Romyn

I don’t mind if our cats stay up all night, as long as they look after their chores without complaining the next day.

When in doubt, shout, point and run in the opposite direction. – Luke Romyn 

For some reason, my Milli Vanilli cover band never caught on.

When choosing whether to get a nose or a boob job, several things must be taken into consideration. Your sex, for instance.... – Luke Romyn

Contrary to popular belief, playing Pink Floyd’s “Hey You” on the guitar while simultaneously translating the lyrics into French is not as easy as it seems.

I come from a long line of bald men... but the women were kinda hairy. – Luke Romyn

I could have been a Ninja but I was sick on the day they gave that class.

Anyone could be Batman, provided they had the right background and ability... and supervillainous freaky rivals, of course. – Luke Romyn

Lentils may be a good source of iron but try welding them together.

When issuing payback, don't ask for a receipt. – Luke Romyn 

One of my favourite lines from H.G. Wells’ “The War of the Worlds” is, “His landlady came to the door, loosely wrapped in dressing gown and shawl; her husband followed ejaculating.”

Sometimes you just need to stop what you're doing, take a deep breath, and then slap the stupid out of your brain. – Luke Romyn

Is instantaneously faster than instantly?

Kevin Bacon was responsible for thousands of vegetarians during the 80s. – Luke Romyn

A pronoun is a noun that gets paid to do the job.

If cleaners clean, does that mean butlers butt? – Luke Romyn 

Both our cats are black, uh, I mean, African American.

You don't need better aim, you just need more bullets. – Luke Romyn

What do people mean when they say, “By the skin of their teeth.”? Who has skin on their teeth?

Blackouts aren't so bad, apart from all the confused racists running around. – Luke Romyn

We have a can of beef gravy acquired circa 1983… We’re wondering, toxic waste dump or food bank next Christmas?

Boarding schools do not involve water-boarding... not yet, anyway. – Luke Romyn 

I'm ambidextrous. I can drive with one hand and flip off idiots on the road with the other.

If condoms are so safe, why don't skydivers wear them? – Luke Romyn

There are knuckleheads but why aren’t there any elbowheads?

Toasting at weddings rarely involves actual toast. – Luke Romyn

My idea of barbecue chicken popsicles never caught on.

All this talk about plastic surgery. Why bother, in a couple of years Photoshop will have a life size edition. – Luke Romyn

Never, ever confuse marination with urination.

GI Joe had the right idea... apart from the whole 'non-penis' thing. – Luke Romyn

I dreamed that I had these huge braces. Turns out I fell asleep wearing my harmonica holder.

I've already got a 3D TV, it's called a window. – Luke Romyn

It should be illegal for potato chip companies to put those tiny crumbs in the bottom of the bag.

Revenge is hollow, just like the log where you hide the body. – Luke Romyn

The cops knew that the chef had committed the crime because the proof was in the pudding.

Don't expect me to be poetic... or any other kind of tic either. – Luke Romyn 

I got a pool table but whenever I try to fill it, the water pours out of the pockets.

Never call your partner a bitch... even when he acts like a sissy whiner. – Luke Romyn

One thing that we can say about Ross Perot; the man wasn’t successful due to his looks.

Don't panic, I'm sure everything will be.... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?! – Luke Romyn 

Any way you look at it, Anthony Hopkins is one spooky looking bastard.

Please feel free to take advantage of my total lack of interest. – Luke Romyn

How come they have spell-check but they don’t have spell-automatic-deposit?

My flash drive flashed me. My therapy begins next week. – Luke Romyn

I think it's terrible that people smoke crack. What will they smoke next? Hole? Rip? Gash?

Telemarketers don't like being accused of having sex with goats. Sometimes the truth hurts. – Luke Romyn

Never put a gerbil in the microwave oven, unless you poke holes in it first.

The best way to deal with teenagers involves copious amounts of alcohol - for you, not them. – Luke Romyn

The police determined that the chef was guilty because the proof was in the pudding.

Damn you chlorofluorocarbons, it's your fault polar bears can no longer tan safely. – Luke Romyn 

My New Year’s resolution is to not start using heroin, crack or any other dangerous narcotics.

Hookers rarely get told to keep their mouth shut. – Luke Romyn

I buy low-sodium products because they are healthier but I add salt so that they don’t taste so bland.

Sometimes the best way to deal with an argument is through calm, mature reasoning... after you've hit them with a bat. – Luke Romyn 

It must be a bitch being a Mormon marriage counselor.

Makeup really shouldn't be tested on animals... even the trashy transvestite ones. – Luke Romyn

Did you ever leave yourself a reminder message on your voice-mail and end it by saying “Good-Bye.”?

Some people have a flagrant disregard for the use of the word 'flagrant'. – Luke Romyn

If the plural of goose is geese, why isn’t that of caboose, cabeese?

Life is all about the little things.... No, not Hobbits. – Luke Romyn

Some woman at the shopping mall got all angry with me after I came to her rescue when I saw her convulsing in a chair. I hadn’t realized it was a vibrating massage chair.

You ever try skipping stones across a glassy pond? Be aware you can't do the same thing with poodles. – Luke Romyn 

They have Boxing Day sales but they never have Wrestling Day sales.

Big words confuse goldfish. – Luke Romyn

Said Joanne to our cat, Midnight: “Don’t play with your balls near the lamp cord.”

I can conjugate verbs... in fact I can con just about anyone. – Luke Romyn

I bought this digital recorder to record stupid shit I say and now I can’t think of any stupid shit to say.

Few things are better than breakfast in bed... except breakfast in bed in Bora Bora... in a palace... filled with strippers. – Luke Romyn

Every time we try to discuss finances with our cats, they just walk away.

Some people really aren't suited to lingerie... fat hairy dudes, for instance. – Luke Romyn

I don’t really like poltergeists unless they play decent guitar.

Cake makes everything better... except prison rape. – Luke Romyn

Never, ever snort chlorine… Unless someone double-dares you, of course.

Try to avoid the career where they can easily replace you with a chimp. – Luke Romyn 

I’m writing a novel about Southern breakfasts entitled “True Grits”.

Proud parents are everywhere, but there always seems a scarcity of proud children. – Luke Romyn

It’s not easy to work “ostentatious” into every day conversations.

Keith Richards will be able to blend in well once the zombies finally take over. – Luke Romyn

In “Norwegian Wood” by the Beatles, does the dude burn the chick’s house down?

Psychology works well on annoying people. I call my baseball bat 'Psychology', by the way. – Luke Romyn

According to Quantum Physics, nothing is stable, but, what about a stable?

Bad sex is still better than good nothing. – Luke Romyn

We refer to basic items as staples but never as brackets or thumbtacks.

It's still called a one-night stand if it only lasts 4 minutes 37 seconds. – Luke Romyn 

Looking for a fun concept for a birthday party with a lot of young kids? FONDUE!!

How come the voices in your head always say to kill people, not give you the cure to cancer? – Luke Romyn

If someone sends you a message ending with ;( what does that mean?

Overuse of marijuana can reduce memory capacity or can even reduce memory capacity. – Luke Romyn

Snow is really pretty… Pretty fucking annoying.

Would they have had the same reaction if they'd been called Burgundy Floyd? – Luke Romyn

Comedy is the art of converting stupid shit into funny crap.

Just think of the irony of getting sued by Sue... – Luke Romyn 

When nudists are nervous about giving a speech, do they imagine everyone with their clothes on?

It all makes sense apart from the bits which are nonsense. – Luke Romyn

Our cats are quite rude. Not once when I’ve waved to them have they waved back.

It's only creepy if you get caught. – Luke Romyn

Why do onions insist on making people cry?

My life flashed before my eyes. It was wearing a trench coat. – Luke Romyn

I washed a pyrex dish for Joanne yesterday and the first thing she did was smear it with cooking oil. How’s that for gratitude?

Friends don't ask friends to be a ventriloquist dummy. – Luke Romyn

One great thing about Canadian winters is that you don’t give a crap about washing your car.

It's only torture if you don't enjoy it. – Luke Romyn 

I used to hate jogging, until I got some silk boxers.

Smiling is great; it makes people feel safer than they should. – Luke Romyn

Have you ever imagined what a kernel of popping corn feels like when you toss it in hot oil?

I like to fly kites so that when people tell me, "Go fly a kite," I just say, "Okay." – Luke Romyn

I’d heard of people falling head over heels so I tried it. It fucking hurts.

Stand by for spontaneity. – Luke Romyn

I think that it’s cool that we’re here and will remain here until we die and… hey, wait a minute. That sucks!

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.... Actually, that's a lie. – Luke Romyn

Remember that jingle. “Sometimes you feel like a testicle, sometimes you don’t…”? What chocolate bar was that about?

Don't hate cupcakes, it's not their fault they're delicious. – Luke Romyn 

When cross-breeding Chihuahuas with hippos, it is best that the hippos be the females.

I like to forgive and forget... or is it forget to forgive... I forget... or forgive... forgive me for forgetting. – Luke Romyn

Contrary to popular belief, snow balls do not come from snow men.

Pants don't appreciate jogging. That's my excuse for not doing it, anyway. – Luke Romyn 

You have to be a real turkey to not like Thanksgiving.

Do paratroopers like parakeets? Would somehow seem appropriate. – Luke Romyn

Our cat, Krystalle, doesn’t like pepperoni on her pizza. How weird is that?

Suicidal turkeys love Thanksgiving. – Luke Romyn 

Is there anything besides respect that is measured in modicums?

People say the sound of the ocean is soothing. I reckon the passengers on the Titanic thought the same thing. – Luke Romyn

The people who buy my books who I like the most are the ones who actually buy my books.

People think Aussies are friendly calling everyone, "Mate." They're actually requests. – Luke Romyn

Joanne has been reading my crime novels again and now insists on meeting Chris Barry in person.

Once, just once, I'd like to summon someone somewhere. Summoning sounds cool. – Luke Romyn 

I wanted to open a restaurant called “Puppy-Dogs” but the Board of Health and the SPCA would not approve the menu.

You might have the IQ of a genius, but I get laid on a regular basis. Enjoy Comic-con, nerd boy. – Luke Romyn

If God intended for us to be vegetarian, why did he invent filet mignon, rack of lamb and General Tao Chicken?

I can't wait to completely bypass eccentricity and skip straight to trying to wear a Volkswagen as a hat. – Luke Romyn

There’s a difference between an animal lover and an animal “lover”.

I might not be perfect, but at least I'm not bald... DAMN! – Luke Romyn

Lumber is wood and timber is wood so where does limber fit in?

Women often think they can get away with anything because they have boobs. I'm too busy assessing the subject to disagree. – Luke Romyn 

Why do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Michaelangelo would have kicked ass at Pictionary. – Luke Romyn

I’ve found the solution to growing, global bedbug epidemic… Nuclear warheads.

It's odd that most businesses don't have "Take Your Hooker to Work" day. – Luke Romyn

Swinger clubs don’t involve actual swings.

Avoid micro-skirts with no undies... especially if your name's Harold. – Luke Romyn

If we’re going to state preferences, I’d prefer not having anything shoved up my ass.

How come Diet Coke cans are just as fat as normal Coke cans? – Luke Romyn

Okay, first is vegetarian and next is vegan and after that, uh, psychotic?

We've all heard of wisecracks, but is there also a thing called a dumbcrack? – Luke Romyn

If you think bestiality is gross, consider gay bestiality…

Instead of wondering who let the cat out of the bag, we should be wondering which sicko put it in there to begin with. – Luke Romyn

Joanne will tolerate a lick on the cheek from a puppy but she draws the line at a tongue down her throat.

Pin cushions are like voodoo dolls for rocks. Somewhere in a creek, you're making a rock scream every time you sew. – Luke Romyn 

I know when my cat wants to bite me cuz, well, she bites me.

It's not all about ego - some of it's about... nah, it's all about ego. – Luke Romyn

Some southern people have asked me what a winter tire looks like. It looks like a regular tire wearing a scarf, parka, mittens and a toque.

You can't do it all, so just make a mess and try to look exhausted. – Luke Romyn

Our cats are well behaved, litter trained and neat except when trying to rid themselves of those pesky cling-ons.

"A stab in the dark" is quite possibly the most horrific expression around when you really think about it. – Luke Romyn

Contrary to popular belief, wasabi is not a good substitute for lip balm.

Just because you're hot doesn't mean you're always right; you just look good being wrong. – Luke Romyn 

Joanne wanted to draw me last night but I said no cuz I hadn’t washed my hair.

If nonsense made sense would sense then make extra sense? – Luke Romyn

Sometimes, our cat, Midnight, doesn’t understand, “The Dish Is Empty!”

Don't forget that thing you were supposed to remember... whatever it was. – Luke Romyn

Joanne came up with a great Simple Musing the other night which was so crude, unrefined and most likely gross to some, that I didn’t post it.

I prefer to do all my own waterboarding. – Luke Romyn

Joanne and I have opened a restaurant which caters only to us and, since we own it, we get the food for free! We call it “Our Kitchen”.

Sometimes you just need to stop, take a step backwards, and take the donkey out of the refrigerator. – Luke Romyn

Should you get shot multiple times and need to get to the hospital, call a taxi. It’ll be cheaper and faster than an ambulance.

A cannibal's life is like a box full of Forrest Gumps. – Luke Romyn 

Never confuse Asian cooking with cooking Asians.

I know the meaning of life, I just can't translate it. – Luke Romyn

A couple of cats, a variable speed ceiling fan and some bungy ties… Think of the possibilities.

There's a thin line between genius and thinking sex with animals is a good idea. – Luke Romyn

Studies show that smoking marijuana can turn doing two loads of laundry into an all day task.

Your memory is only as good as the... umm.... – Luke Romyn 

Here’s an excerpt from a novel I’m writing entitled “Gibberish”: Fgrtehu syyetwrcju fitjwy gotjkhithej djuwlobuy fhruywgcs kiuctrsgf qaavzfsew lponuhjtgftrbd.

Beware of dogs doing algebra. They do that right before they steal your car. – Luke Romyn

I took an anger management class once but was told I need not return after I punched the teacher.

Relationships would be a lot more popular if they came with a warranty. – Luke Romyn 

I thought I had designed an amazing social media platform called Rettiwt but it turns out I had it all backwards.

Cows would eat hamburgers if they could. – Luke Romyn

Dreams… HDTV for the mind.

I can speak the English version of every language. – Luke Romyn

Why can they make liquid in a pill form?

... and before you know it, you're shaving some strange woman's back. – Luke Romyn 

Whenever I read or hear the word ‘haiku’, I think ‘gesundheit’.

I never stole anything in my life I didn't really like. – Luke Romyn

Does anybody know what a cat means when it says “Murratt”?

A bad day can turn into a great one with three little words: "Take off your pants." Okay, so I can't count. Sue me. – Luke Romyn

There’s nothing like spilling an empty glass.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no weasels... even though weasels are bastards. – Luke Romyn 

I once saw a car collision and let me tell you, it was smashing.

I like to hunt safari suits. – Luke Romyn

Our friend, Anna Rexia is thin as a rail.

What time zone is the Twilight Zone? – Luke Romyn

My favourite haiku is the one about the guy from Nantucket.

My life flashed before my eyes, but I switched the channel to something more interesting. – Luke Romyn 

Cats do not give a crap about “Do Not Stare at Laser Pointer Beams” warnings.

It's hard to defy defiance. – Luke Romyn

When exactly did ‘disgusting’, ‘bad’, ‘wicked’ and ‘you murdered it’ start to mean ‘awesome’, ‘good’, ‘outstanding’ and ‘you did a great job’?

I like to get in hot showers. Unfortunately the people in them tend to disagree. – Luke Romyn 

I saw a guy get hit by an electric bus. It was shocking.

Men don't get lost, they 'explore'. – Luke Romyn

Have you noticed that when you consume drinks containing liquid, you have to pee more?

It's difficult to lose your cool if you never had any. – Luke Romyn

I think that E-Books are great but I'll draw the line at E-ToiletPaper.

What would an orange be called if it was blue? – Luke Romyn 

Don’t you hate it when you lose a nut?

Damn you gravity! Always there to prove I can't float through the air like a soap bubble! – Luke Romyn

Pregnancy is a temporary but full-proof method of contraception.

Do chicken breasts in California come with implants? – Luke Romyn 

My email account got hacked so I changed my password from ****** to **********.

I wonder who first stole the idea of stealing ideas? – Luke Romyn

Astrophysicists are unable to ascertain the exact mass of the universe but I’m pretty sure that it’s a lot more than 20 tons… A lot more.

It's always awkward when absent-minded ninjas forget to wear pants. – Luke Romyn

What I like best at Chinese buffets are the pizza, roast beef, chicken wings and fries.

The secret to looking better is to move to a town with uglier people. – Luke Romyn

Our entire universe as we know it may be simply the explosion of some kid’s firecracker.

There's no real excuse for war... except to protect kittens, maybe. Everyone loves kittens, even Hitler.... OK, maybe not. – Luke Romyn 

If something is neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but less than with a thermonuclear weapon. – Luke Romyn

Writing negative sentences without using negative words: Example 1.We nearly got him out alive. Example 2. The foreman of the jury said, “guilty.”

I never go jogging. It's always joggers who find the bodies... or become the bodies. – Luke Romyn

Sometimes, farts just happen.

Where there's smoke, there's fire... or hippies. – Luke Romyn 

If someone tells you, “bite me” and you do, is that wrong or simply accomodating?

Karaoke. It's like sushi without the fish and with more lyrics. – Luke Romyn

If you’re reading a big E-Book, does it make your E-Reader heavier?

My sunscreen just told me I need to get a tan. – Luke Romyn 

We’ve had a rapper named Vanilla Ice but never any named Spumoni Gelato.

I regret my inability to regret things. – Luke Romyn

Do you realize that chanting “Na-na-nana-na” tauntingly is a universal expression?

Science will always be right until they scientifically prove it isn't. – Luke Romyn

Can you get hit square on the nose if it’s kind of round?

It's not that you're cranky, the rest of the world is just too cheerful. – Luke Romyn

Even a unit as small as a couple is actually a micro-government. Last night, we started discussing our 2011 spending cuts.

The saying, "Get more bang for your buck" has absolutely nothing to do with hookers. Just so you know. – Luke Romyn 

They say not to count your chickens before they’re hatched but don’t you need the damned chickens to lay eggs in the first place?

A hypercar is like a normal car on too much caffeine. – Luke Romyn

Why is this -> #, a pound sign? Why isn’t it a TicTacToe sign?

I tried a shock and awe technique, but only ended up being mauled by puppies. – Luke Romyn

I hate it when our cats judge me.

It's okay to miss the point if it's attached to an arrow. – Luke Romyn

It is a well known fact that heat rises. That’s why the sun is so hot.

It's only failure if you admit it, otherwise it's denial. – Luke Romyn 

Words you never hear in our house: Damn, we never ate the leftover pizza and now it’s gone bad!

If it's always the person you suspect the least, why aren't they then the person you suspect first? – Luke Romyn

The dyslexic writer started to edit and lost five pounds.

Now, you know NASA, through their myriad of space tests, has had someone up there screwing. It must have happened. – Luke Romyn

Warning: If you go to bed at 6:47 a.m. after a night of drinking and get up at 7:30 a.m., you may feel like crap.

I'm too lazy to sleepwalk. – Luke Romyn

I said something funny the other night and went to get something to write it down and then thought of two more but forgot the first one and then forgot the two others as I tried to remember the first one… Too bad cuz they WERE funny.

If you think jet lag is bad, you should try time traveling. – Luke Romyn 

Is a Freudian slip some kind of psycho-analyzed lingerie article?

That's not a munchkin, it's just a hobbit with the munchies. – Luke Romyn

Never confuse Calvin Klein with Kevlar when selecting a vest.

I hypnotized myself and when I woke up had the feeling I had been somehow violated. – Luke Romyn

I’m thinking of doing a documentary about all the paper balls we’ve made for our cat. It will be called, “Where Are They Now?”.

Survival of the fittest occasionally involves eating of the fattest. – Luke Romyn

Is a metro-sexual someone with a subway fetish?

I have the right to remain silent, a right some wish I'd actually use sometimes. – Luke Romyn 

If there’s closed captioning for the hearing impaired, why isn’t there opened captioning for people who hear extremely well?

The pen is mightier than the sword - because it's disguising a thermo-detonator! Take that, Excalibur! – Luke Romyn

I hate it when inanimate objects refuse to cooperate with me.

Paris Hilton's ego can be seen from space. – Luke Romyn

Another day, another 52 cents after taxes.

Follow the yellow brick road... unless it's sticky. – Luke Romyn 

I read a sad story about a kid who blew himself up trying to make a home bomb… Rest in pieces.

There's nothing a ride in a helicopter can't make seem brighter... apart from cancer and stuff. – Luke Romyn

Don’t you hate it when a book starts off bad as of page 1 and remains bad right through to the end on page 787?

Don't try to pick someone's brain through their nose. – Luke Romyn

Logical deciphering of Australian Pronunciation: Mate is pronounced Mite; therefore, Mete is Mote, Mite is Mute, Mote is Mate and Mute is Mete.

People are selfish, always thinking of themselves when they should be thinking about me. – Luke Romyn 

In recent years, the various ‘Law and Order’ and ‘CSI’ have become some of my favourite sit-coms.

Bill Murray is the man so cool he needs two first names instead of a surname. – Luke Romyn

Turkey stuffing mixed with vanilla yogurt does not make a good breakfast.

Alcohol kills brain cells. If you don't understand that statement, put down your beer. – Luke Romyn

Urinating while repeatedly sneezing is not an easy task.

My contact lenses have contacts. – Luke Romyn 

I was offered a job that paid $2,000/hour, one hour/week but I turned it down because they wouldn’t let me telecommute.

I might not be sensitive, but you can go to Hell. – Luke Romyn

Equivitating: A word coined by Joanne Chase on September 3, 2010, which we’re not sure what it means but it sounds great.

It's not always about the beer and hookers... – Luke Romyn

My information is always 100% accurate except when it’s rubbish.

I wonder how many deviants travel to Nantucket simply after hearing too many dirty limericks. – Luke Romyn 

I told our cat that we were happy that she was feeling better because otherwise, we would have had to get her snuffed. She’s been a bundle of energy since.

"... and before I knew it there were boobs." Why can't more sentences end like this? – Luke Romyn

I had to get a second knife at dinner yesterday because the first one just wasn’t cutting it.

How many cents does it cost to make sense? – Luke Romyn

I was talking to some hick yesterday who I was sure must be from BumFuck, Iowa. Turns out he’s actually from AssScrew, Idaho.

I need a holiday from my brain. – Luke Romyn 

There is nothing sexual about a blowfish.

It's only a dead-end if you don't drive a tank. – Luke Romyn

When it’s the new moon, does everyone act normal?

Some days are like sliding down a banister made out of razor blades and dropping into a pool of vinegar. – Luke Romyn 

Mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle and cousin… It’s all relative.

In a war of attrition, at least one person needs to know what attrition means. – Luke Romyn

Do clown fish wear big shoes?

M&S is kinky sex for dyslexics. – Luke Romyn 

In some situations, like cutting your leg off with a chainsaw, for example, WD40 and duct tape just aren’t enough.

You can't please everybody, so just please yourself... just not in public. – Luke Romyn

There are antihistamines but there aren’t any antiherstamines. Isn’t that sexist?

There's a big difference between a halibut and a headbutt; be sure you know what it is before working in a fish shop. – Luke Romyn 

Governments should abolish taxes and sell hotdogs and doughnuts to generate required revenues.

'Orifice' and 'office' should never be confused during polite conversation. – Luke Romyn

I’m training our cats to be guard-cats. They’re coming along fine except that they ‘re having a bit of difficulty handling the AK-47s.

Polar bears love the Greenhouse Effect, it helps them work on their tan. – Luke Romyn

Never trim your beard with a weed-wacker.

If you sit still and keep quiet for long enough, you can hear the sound of time being wasted. – Luke Romyn 

One thing that bugs me about kidnappers is their obsessiveness about keeping the doors locked.

Math debating is often the result of confused nerds watching too much porn. – Luke Romyn

If you’re planning a suicide, never hang yourself from the ceiling lights. The fixture rips out, you fall to the floor and hurt yourself and then you have to go to the hardware store to buy the stuff to fix the mess you made.

I blame Mick Jagger for the loss of the ozone layer. Just because I can. – Luke Romyn 

When someone sticks their tongue in your ear, is that considered aural sex.

The following word is intended for adults only - Tax. – Luke Romyn

When you’ve reached the point of referring to eating as “jamming it in”, you’ve had enough.

It's all fun and games until the penguin loses a testicle. – Luke Romyn 

I really would love to visit 広島県 someday.

You're not fat and ugly, it's just that everyone else is too thin and good looking. – Luke Romyn

Remember, adding an accent when speaking to someone who doesn’t understand your language is only effective if you speak loud and slow.

I used to be a sweet-talker, but then all my teeth fell out. – Luke Romyn

Working in an almond or pistachio processing plant must be nuts.

Rocket-powered-paperweights -- the most pointless invention ever. – Luke Romyn

Whenever you get concerned about too much caffeine intake, always remember that crack cocaine and heroin are somewhat worse.

It's not flirting when a woman hits you with a tazer... well, not always. – Luke Romyn

If you use Skype on a dial-up connection, does that make it a phone call?

Relax, it's not an oil spill, the guys from Jersey Shore just went swimming again. – Luke Romyn

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to see or hear it, how the hell do we know it’s fallen in the first place?

Close your eyes and hear the memoirs of your life echoing like a thousand suns screaming for acknowledgment... or think of boobs. – Luke Romyn

I turned on a light, just to see…

People like the truth except when it contradicts what they want to do. – Luke Romyn

Big City Nursery Rhyme: Hey, diddle, diddle, a bum with a fiddle, some dude tripping up to the moon, the ho took a ride in a Cadillac and her pimp fried some crack in a spoon. (Some Simple Musings are unfortunately not funny… Just real)

You don't often hear the term 'Keep your pants on' in a nudist camp. – Luke Romyn

It might just be me but if someone offered me a camel burger, I’d have to think about it.

An ugly face is the best birth control. – Luke Romyn

I was thinking of developing a product called George. Then, my marketing slogan could be “Buy George”.

Avoid buying the car with the square tires. – Luke Romyn

I tried to make my own electronic cigarettes but the taste of burning plastic and microchips is disgusting.

It could be worse, your mother in law might want to jump your bones. – Luke Romyn

I found out from the vet that our cat has a chip implanted in her neck. That explains all the visits from CIA operatives.

The recession means hard times in the porn industry. Actually I think hard times are pretty common in that industry. – Luke Romyn

Never confuse a bandanna with a banana as headwear.

Deceptive people rarely tell you they're deceptive. It's all part of their deceptive deceptiveness. Bastards. – Luke Romyn

If I was a planet, I wouldn’t want to be Uranus.

Give me one good reason to give you one good reason. – Luke Romyn

If you scare someone who doesn’t have the hiccups, does that person get them?

Don't trust the prison mayonnaise. – Luke Romyn

Cheez Whiz is not a good substitute for milk or cream in your coffee.

People tell me to get a life, and yet when I try to take one they get upset. – Luke Romyn

I didn’t mind people using FYI in messages sent to me until I realized it might mean ‘Fuck you, Idiot’.

I can almost always accurately predict the past. – Luke Romyn

Are butterflies constantly drunk?

There's no point in living in denial..., or demississippi either. – Luke Romyn

Right in the middle of a conversation with our cat yesterday, she looked me in the eye and let out a huge yawn… Big confidence builder…

There's really only one avenue for Mel Gibson now - reality TV. – Luke Romyn

I have a concept for a new reality show called “Last Clown Standing”. A bunch of clowns run around on stage while audience members shoot guns at them.

My time as a cheerleader ended when they realized what a bitter asshole I really was. – Luke Romyn

Cats DO serve a purpose. For example, we never have potato chip crumbs on the floor.

Thank God I'm not religious. – Luke Romyn

Once, on Valentine’s Day when I was single, I made myself a nice dinner, took myself to a concert and then brought myself back home and had my way with myself.

I can bungee jump around corners. – Luke Romyn

Imagine what writing would be like if nobody had invented all those punctuation marks.

It's strangely ironic that people have to go outside in the fresh air to smoke. – Luke Romyn

I like to set the GPS unit for a specific location then ignore the given directions just to annoy the lady giving them.

It's not a headache, it's your brain rejecting what it's wearing. – Luke Romyn

Why spend a fortune on a bikini waxing when you can do it yourself hundreds of times with one roll of duct tape?

Dolphins are smarter than celebrities. I mean, how many dolphin sex tapes have you seen get leaked? – Luke Romyn

Never bungee jump without the bungee, regardless of the money-back guarantee.

Sorry, I'm not that kind of omnivore. – Luke Romyn

Since they refuse to fill up the tank, I’m not letting our cats use the car anymore.

Damn BP. Now we can't drink out of the ocean anymore. – Luke Romyn

Avoid using Tabasco sauce as a substitute for eye-drops.

Flying squirrels are like rodent paratroopers. – Luke Romyn

A shotgun is not the best weapon when frog hunting.

Serial killers are saving the planet, one polluter at a time. – Luke Romyn

I tried to start up a kangaroo hat business but the hats were just too damned big.

Dunking a teabag is kinda like fishing... except for the fish.... Actually it's nothing like it, nothing at all. Sorry. – Luke Romyn

I know the progressive rock band ‘Yes’ well enough that I call them ‘Yeah’.

Bluetooth devices rarely have any actual teeth. – Luke Romyn

I hate those camping elves who move you’re chair around when you’re drinking by the fire at night.

I saw a mime walking against the wind in front of a jet turbine. At least I think it was a mime. Mime's scream for help, right? – Luke Romyn

Camping is great, if you exclude setting everything up, taking it down, the uncomfortable conditions and torrential thunderstorms.

Most tea-totallers avoid Irish coffee. – Luke Romyn

How do I connect the internet thingy to the www?

We all know the world revolves around pancakes. They're what separates us from the apes. – Luke Romyn

Vegetarians are great. They taste sort of like grain fed chickens.

Maniacs get all the bad press. – Luke Romyn

In my opinion, an aluminum colander is much more durable and effective than a foil hat.

I wonder if cavemen farmers had scarepterodactyls where modern farmers have scarecrows. – Luke Romyn

Camping is a wonderful way to remind yourself of how lovely and comfortable your home is.

Your IQ is so negative it's actually a QI. – Luke Romyn

I saw a commercial yesterday announcing that the first North American car designed by Germans and built in Japan by Koreans is now available in Canada.

It's always an issue when you wake up without pants... at the bus stop... in a foreign country. – Luke Romyn

I walked in on our cats the other day and, without going into detail, they’re lesbians.

99% of short attention spans are caused by.... Huh? – Luke Romyn

Sometimes I write some really funny stuff… which I re-confirm in the morning.

They're not fat rolls, they're beauty slops. – Luke Romyn

If you get injured in a paintball wargame, do you qualify for some Vet pension?

It's not a sign of the Apocalypse, it's a sign that the world is run by idiots. – Luke Romyn

Running with scissors is nothing compared to running with an operating weed-wacker.

Imagination is such a wonderful thing. With it you can create... you know... stuff. – Luke Romyn

I have determined that a 500 ml bottle of Perrier contains many, many bubbles.

Hate is such a strong word. Much better just to silently wish they'd end up walking on stilts under a running helicopter. – Luke Romyn

Our cat ate our aloe plant and now when she scratches us, we heal instantly.

Imagine if they had rollerblading on actual blades, then you could go on the ice and call it... oh yeah, right. – Luke Romyn

In my opinion, the ladies who work in GPS devices shouldn’t be so bossy and should recalculate faster.

I wonder if there's a guy named Al Zheimer out there somewhere. Do you reckon he'd have a good memory? – Luke Romyn

I tried ‘stand-up comedy’ busking the other night and got arrested. Who knew one needs a permit to say genitals…

A better sobriety test would involve the person walking along the central line of a freeway. If they agree, they're drunk! – Luke Romyn

If appendices and gall bladders aren’t really necessary, why do they keep putting them in new people they make?

Balance is as simple as not falling off a log. – Luke Romyn

My skipping along the streets of Manhattan wearing a foil hat earned me some strange looks but nobody tried to mug us.

One day we will turn on TV and a baby will have been born text messaging about the experience. – Luke Romyn

I understand the whole string theory thing but I like to look at the bigger picture, rope theory.

It's not that you're un-skilled, it's just that nobody wants your skills. – Luke Romyn

You think you had it tough with sibling rivalry as a kid. Imagine how God’s brother felt.

I have great patience until something doesn't happen quickly enough. – Luke Romyn

Procrastinator’s Law: Why do now when you can do later or maybe not at all.

If dolphins are so intelligent, why don't they have thumbs? – Luke Romyn

For some reason, my cats don’t like it when I throw one on the other.

Amish Twitter is pretty slow. Each Tweet has to be carved out of a log. – Luke Romyn

Does anyone think that open pistachios look like Pac-Man? Just asking.

Cock rings confuse me. I choked three roosters before I gave up trying to figure out what they did. – Luke Romyn

It’s not recommended to use roman candles on a birthday cake, especially if the party is inside.

I want everyone to know about my anonymity. – Luke Romyn

Mowing the lawn is a cutting-edge job.

Disney never saw the evil he was creating with the "It's A Small World" ride. The voices haunt me still.... – Luke Romyn

Where do spiders keep all that web stuff?

I got really stoned the other day.... That'll teach me to screw up in a Muslim country. – Luke Romyn

BBQ tip # 24: Never confuse waxed paper with aluminum foil.

I tried paragliding, but couldn't find enough parakeets. – Luke Romyn

Prune juice: For when you don’t give a shit.

Dizziness is merely a side effect of stupidity for spinning around in a circle too much. – Luke Romyn

I screwed up because she was a tall woman.

I stepped up to the plate, but fell off the table. – Luke Romyn

I tend to ignore java update messages on my computer since I only drink coffee in the morning.

I'm brutally honest. When people force me to tell them the truth, I beat them to death with it. – Luke Romyn

Are e-books more shocking than regular books?

Stand by.... Well don't actually stand.... I don't know, I suppose you could squat or just sit on the ground... maybe. – Luke Romyn

How come they don’t have reality TV shows about accountants?

Your beard does not make you look more mature... madam. – Luke Romyn

The electric car I designed works great except that the 500 mile long power cord is annoying.

Gymnastics were not invented by Jim Nastic. – Luke Romyn

There are arms dealers but are there any legs dealers?

I bet the guy who patented radio static is bloody rich. – Luke Romyn

Why don’t K9 units use chiuauas?

People get their teeth capped to make them look better. Quite often I think they need to get their whole face capped. – Luke Romyn

Everyone seeking to succeed, whether it be in writing, business, athletics, or whatever you choose, must learn to close off the thousand voices saying you can't, and listen to the one tiny voice which says you can. – Luke Romyn

If we developed one-sided paper, we would save half of our trees.

I like to heckle pigeons. – Luke Romyn

I taped a GPS unit to my cat and let her out. I don’t know where the hell she is but I guess she does.

Avoid playing Twister with amputees. It can be awkward when you spin up for right foot and they don't have one. – Luke Romyn

I challenge anybody to accurately translate “Cool Beans” into another language.

My cat scan came up all clear. I knew I wasn't a pussy. – Luke Romyn 

When a border guard asks if you have any firearms with you, winking and replying, “maybe” with a smile is not necessarily a good idea.

Have they brought out the lesbian Barbie doll yet? – Luke Romyn

I don’t know about everyone else but I hate when I spontaneously combust.

How the hell do shepherds keep track of how many sheep they have and still stay awake? – Luke Romyn

Why don’t the investigators on CSI simply turn on the lights instead of using flashlights?

In times of stress, remember the phrase: "I just pooped my panties." It won't help, but it'll be funny as hell to hear. – Luke Romyn

When someone says, “They say that…” Who the hell are “they”?

Beware the man asking you to join him in a game of pocket billiards... in his actual pockets. – Luke Romyn

I’m trying to determine whether I have a hangover or if I’m still drunk.

My campaign to make hippies into domestic animals failed miserably. – Luke Romyn

You should always take your shoe off before putting your foot in your mouth.

Somewhere in the world, some dude's wearing a Xena costume. – Luke Romyn 

When you throw a Pomeranian in the air, why doesn’t it land on its paws the way cats do?

When CDs first emerged, I wonder how many people tried to return them with record needle scratches on them. – Luke Romyn

Always take extra care when cleaning your ears with a power drill.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, call an ambulance. – Luke Romyn 

I’m trying to figure out exactly how and when our eight pound cat became the ruler of our household.

At some point you will come across someone you'll desperately want to ask what sex they are. – Luke Romyn

Paper doesn’t grow on trees, you know.

I sometimes contemplate befriending people who I later realize aren't worth the time it takes to find a dumping spot for the body. – Luke Romyn

Ohhh, Earth Day. I had understood Nerf Day. Now I feel silly with all these foam toys.

I am NOT normal, and it has taken me many years to realize that's a very good thing. – Luke Romyn

Lawyers are people too… Right?

I used to run the theme of Rocky through my head leading up to job interviews, but had to stop when I punched out a potential boss. – Luke Romyn

I don’t care much for bands like the Red-Hot Peas or the Black-Eyed Chili Peppers.

I love it when people call me a machine - as long as they don't mean a sewerage filtration device. – Luke Romyn 

There is a method behind my madness. I just haven’t figured it out yet.

Guns don't kill people; Barney the giant purple dinosaur kills people. – Luke Romyn

Serial killers are people too… Nasty, murderous people.

Some people are just too damn ugly not to have pissed off God at some stage. – Luke Romyn

Why don’t movie sub-titles get bigger when you increase the volume?

Remember that all good lies hold a grain of truth and all great truths require an iota of lying. Or is that all a lie? – Luke Romyn

Governments all over the world could eliminate road kill by simply building tiny overpasses over roadways.

I'm pretty sure more than one stoner has looked at Oscar the Grouch and figured he was just an enormous wad of dope. – Luke Romyn

Warning: Eating frozen nitrogen may give you brain freeze.

I'm pretty sure Donny Osmond found a way to reverse aging and renamed himself Justin Bieber. – Luke Romyn 

I often wonder which doctors give out prescriptions for stupid pills because there seems to be a lot of people who take them.

Diamonds were created for when men REALLY screw up. – Luke Romyn

I think that Dan Brown should have better explained what the lost word was in “The Lost Symbol”. (Subtle sarcasm is integrated in the previous statement.)

Is it racist to say I don't trust people who look like Skeletor from He-Man? – Luke Romyn

I’ve never understood Moo Shoo Pork. Shouldn’t it be Oink Shoo Pork?

I'm working on a patented device to rewind dvds. – Luke Romyn

I like James Bond films for their realism, strong acting and excellent dialogue.

I have an acoustic handgun. – Luke Romyn

Joanne told me that she’s a feminist because she doesn’t wear nylons or make-up and stuff so I guess I’m a feminist too.

I'm developing a Justin Bieber seeking missile, but at the moment it explodes on contact with just any pile of crap. – Luke Romyn

My “Freshly Roasted Unshelled Walnuts” business was unsuccessful on account of all my customers burning their hands.

Imagine how much spare time we'd have if we didn't have to breathe. – Luke Romyn 

I turned out the lights for Earth Hour and fell down the stairs in the dark.

I like playing jump-rope with hangmen. – Luke Romyn

A Speedo, a vacuum cleaner & a zebra... Imagine the possibilities!

Sometimes Fozzie Bear made sense in his prophecies. They were eerily accurate. – Luke Romyn 

If you’re a paraplegic on death-row, do you get the electric chair?

I had a dream I was flying... Can't remember which airline. – Luke Romyn

I had a dream I was flying too. Then I thought, "Wait, I can't fly!" and crashed to the ground. Pretty painful stuff...

Stumpy used to like juggling hand grenades.... – Luke Romyn 

Eeyore is my inspiration for energy and motivation…….

I try not to think about things too much.... That's all.... Nothing else here. – Luke Romyn

How can a condom feel like a raincoat? It has no clips, zippers, Velcro or buttons…

Gang members seem to share a single testicle. That's why they're only tough in a group. – Luke Romyn

On the question of if the egg or the chicken came first, consider that breakfast comes before lunch or dinner.

Vinegar is the best thing for open cuts. Just pour it in your eyes, and you won't even remember you're injured! – Luke Romyn

It’s a good thing someone invented ice cream. Otherwise, what would we do with all those cones?

I designed the imaginary space shuttle. – Luke Romyn

Although IKEA serves Swedish meatballs in their cafeterias, they don’t have pizza… Strange…

Remember that for lions we're a McHappy meal, so avoid colorful packaging which might attract them. – Luke Romyn

Is a woman's bra just a straight jacket without the sleeves? – Special contribution by Doug Hardin

Miracles do happen. Viagra, for instance.... – Luke Romyn

Most doctors don’t recommend stuffing muffin chunks in your ears.

I got sacked from writing for porn movies when it was discovered my scripts had a plot. – Luke Romyn

Who came up with the Karma Sutra; Nissan or Toyota?

My time as an underwear model ended when I tried to use a pineapple as stuffing. – Luke Romyn

Never use glue as a sexual lubricant.

Word of mouth is hard when everyone's kissing your ass. – Luke Romyn

I would like to be a scriptwriter for a reality show.

Look out on the Yellow Brick Road. There's been a gang war with the Oompa-Loompas trying to gain turf. – Luke Romyn

Dance as if no one is looking at you. They all think you’re an idiot anyways.

It is not politically correct to say that political correctness is retarded. – Luke Romyn

Do they use chicken or beef to make feng shui?

I had a little dog once... and then I had a little bacon. – Luke Romyn

I’ve tried snorting coke but the bubbles just tickle my nose too much.

I was a pilot until they caught me.... – Luke Romyn 

Someone told me the other day that he had read ALL of our Simple Musings and I thought, “Man, do you have a sorry life.”

I like recording sunrises and playing them on TV in reverse at the end of the day – Luke Romyn

The only time I drink is when I'm alone or with someone. Courtesy of Ted Bird, @manofbird on Twitter

I think it's ironic that the one thing you can only catch by not running is your breath. – Luke Romyn

IMPORTANT:  Always boil the pasta when you make Kraft Dinner.

Remember that an apple a day keeps the apple salesman in business during this global economic disaster thingy. – Luke Romyn

KEWL; march Fourth 2010 Is nashunal Grammer Day so evry one rite Good!

I love true stories... Except the ones based on real events or people. – Luke Romyn

If I knew then what I know now I, uhh… I would have known it, uhh..then.

I don't hold anything against guys who wear women's clothing... I mean that literally, of course. – Luke Romyn

Considering the track is ice, why is a bobsled run called a heat?

I like being an enigma, as long as everyone understands where I'm coming from. – Luke Romyn

If one goes to the bathroom for a #1 and a #2, can it be called a #3?

Someone called me aggressive the other day, so I headbutted them. Not sure it helped argue my point though... – Luke Romyn

The problem with science is that everything is so, uh, scientific.

My vasectomy made my IQ jump up 10 points. – Luke Romyn

Never, ever be intimidated by an ice cube.

Imagine the first guy trying to sell the idea of bungee jumping. "You just tie this elastic around your legs & jump off a bridge..." Uh huh. – Luke Romyn

One of the things that I'm pleased about on Twitter is that people keep me informed of their quiz results by DM! :)

I lost 40000 followers on Twitter when I posted my testicles as an avatar. – Luke Romyn

Many thanks for the multiple dozens of offers by DM on Twitter but I don't need to get bigger and have sex longer.

I'm always concerned that people will wear their g-string backwards. – Luke Romyn

What happens if you eat a product past its “Best Before” date? Do you turn into a pumpkin?

I like to scream at sales people before they approach me, just to save time. – Luke Romyn

I cannot understand why inner-tube ski jumping is not yet recognized as an Olympic sport.

A mind is a powerful weapon... Some people just have no ammunition. – Luke Romyn

When a hen lays an egg, is that considered incest?

I'd like to bungee jump from a 747. – Luke Romyn

Joint effort: When one person supplies the pot and another supplies the rolling paper.

Which came first, the politician or the bull-crap? – Luke Romyn

A chainsaw does not make a good shaving implement.

Have they renamed Snow White and the Seven Dwarves yet? Is it "Indiscriminately Colored & the Unnumbered Little Folk"? – Luke Romyn

Tabasco sauce is not recommended as a sexual lubricant.

Sobriety is overrated. Who really needs a fully functioning liver or brain these days anyway? – Luke Romyn

Did Uzbekistan choose its name just to be the last country out in the Olympic opening ceremonies?

I love playing the guitar until I get too excited and the PlayStation disc skips. – Luke Romyn

If kept in a cage and fed regularly, kids make wonderful indoor pets.

I failed to get a failure badge. – Luke Romyn

Have you ever noticed that most midgets you encounter don’t have dreadlocks?

Watch out for geysers. They're left over bidets from the Jurassic era. – Luke Romyn

If a person who only eats vegetables is a vegetarian, what’s a humanitarian? – Special Contribution by Joanne Chase

I used to hunt bears, until the people at the Teddy factory called the police. – Luke Romyn

I had a wonderfully balanced lunch yesterday; Sour Cream & Onion Ruffles AND Lay’s Bar-B-Q chips.

I sometimes wonder how Deliverance would have turned out if it had been done by Disney. – Luke Romyn

Pop-rivets are not a good alternative for band-aids.

You know, we might have had sex in a previous life. Sorry about that. – Luke Romyn 

I called 411 to get the number for 911.

Just once I think it'd be cool to see an actor accept an award and say, "I wanna thank ME, because I'm just so damn awesome!" – Luke Romyn

I like wearing large clown shoes - just in case women really think there's a correlation. – Special contribution by Bob Kuykendall

Is there such a thing as a wet sense of humour?

I like to head-bang to no music on the subway. – Luke Romyn

I was looking for Google so I googled it.

It could always be worse. You could have been reincarnated as Pee Wee Herman's theater seat. – Luke Romyn 

I can type with my eyes closed! Watch --> blhumnds! SEE?!

The only thing better than sex or caffeine is sex with caffeine... Don't take that literally, coffee tends to burn. – Luke Romyn

If you reorganize the letters “DHRSEDHLUEWHLEIRLTLVTLAEO” into words, you get “THE DEVIL SHALL RULE THE WORLD”… Spooky, isn’t it?

Sex with a love doll can leave you slightly deflated. – Luke Romyn 

To err is human; to find a scapegoat, divine.

I like to laugh in the face of danger... Oops, missed a space. I meant Dan Ger, the guy who owns my local deli. – Luke Romyn

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does anyone give a shit?

My ovaries hurt... What do you mean, I don't have any? That's sexist! – Luke Romyn 

Instead of saying “probability of precipitation” and “incoming cold front”, why don’t weathermen just say “icky” and “yucky”?

Don't forget to check your computer for frankfurters, they could pose a problem, those frankfurters. They furt. – Luke Romyn

I never know if I should laugh or be scared when I get attacked by a clown.

I paid the price for my sins, even got a 2 for 1 discount coupon. – Luke Romyn

When in the presence of menopausal women, I like to secretly turn the thermostat up and down.

Wasabi. It's like mayonnaise. Spread it on everything. Trust me. – Luke Romyn 

Beware of falling aircraft cuz they hurt like a bugger when they land on you.

You know that ant you stepped on before? That was your great, great grandmother reincarnated. You bastard. – Luke Romyn

Don’t you wish there were more occasions to use the expression, “nefariously auspicious” in regular day-to-day conversations?

Thanks to Avatar, global warming is now a thing of the past... What do you mean, it's not? James Cameron lied to me! – Luke Romyn

I heard the idiot weatherman forecasting light snow… As compared to what… dark snow?

Who do they test products for guinea pigs on? – Luke Romyn

I applied for a job as an airline pilot but, get this; you need a license or something!

Circumcision is the primary cause for excessive landfill. – Luke Romyn

Shouting, “This is a stick-up!” to bank or armored-car personnel does not qualify as a “neat joke”.

Alright, who stole my good mood? You don't want me to find you without it, I promise. – Luke Romyn

I can't wait for Apple to put out the iCondom!

Can someone wake me up when common sense arrives? – Luke Romyn

Who comes up with words like discombobulation?

How come only the cool stuff gets censored? – Luke Romyn

We’ve discovered the cure for the common cold!! Alcoholic beverages and, uh… the smoke from, uh… herbs!!

I went to the police academy, but my instincts kicked in & I freaked out when I saw all those cops. – Luke Romyn 

Is a superlative like a more powerful regularlative?

Sarcasm is a wonderful alternative to killing people. – Luke Romyn

Maybe it’s just me but I’m not comfortable working with a web app called “True Twit”.

My Lamborghini has a feature which allows it to be disguised as a station wagon. I just don't know how to turn it off. – Luke Romyn 

January 19th is National Popcorn Day. I’m pleased to see that some people are concentrating on the important issues.

A baby stole my dingo... – Luke Romyn

Does anybody know when National Ruffles All-Dressed Chips Day is?

I like to go out dressed as Waldo. That way nobody can ever find me. – Luke Romyn

If Gumby and Smurfette had a child, what would it look like?

CAPITAL LETTERING followed by exclamation point! ... Are you excited now? – Luke Romyn

I’ve always wondered if Yasser Arafat and Gonzo, the muppet, were related.

Is it still an insult to be called a son of a bitch if she was? – Luke Romyn 

Is there such a thing as the Fake McCoy?

I really don't like black olives. Does that mean I'm racist? – Luke Romyn

If that ‘liar, liar, pants on fire’ thing was true, there’d be a hell of a lot of burnt butts on the planet.

Someone told me I had the emotional range of a slug. How rude is that? I mean, what did a slug ever do to them? – Luke Romyn

If you’re intent on getting high on glue, remember that you want to sniff it, not snort it.

A funny thing happened when I walked into the clown tent.... – Luke Romyn

How do you spell “whooot” or “wooot”? Is it “whooot” or “wooot”?

I know the world doesn't revolve around me. I'm not fat enough to have my own gravity. – Luke Romyn

Somebody suggested I do a ‘cut & paste’ rather than retype my document but now I can’t get the glue off my computer monitor.

E-mail is short for WHY WON'T YOU EFFING SEND MY EFFING ATTACHMENT YOU EFFING BASTARD Mail. – Luke Romyn 

Is it just me or is underwater basket-weaving not getting enough consideration to be recognized as an Olympic sport?

My doctorate in coolness has never been officially recognized. – Luke Romyn

I am curious to know who actually buys pre-assembled grilled cheese sandwiches.

Talking dirty doesn't involve discussions about cleaning supplies. – Luke Romyn

In our weekly flyers, we received a coupon booklet for $41 of savings at McDonalds… Scary!

Eavesdropping is not a crime... unless it's illegal. – Luke Romyn

I’m trying to decide if I’m indecisive but I’m not sure.

I read 'A Tale of Two Cities' but couldn't tell the difference between them. – Luke Romyn

It’s simple, Luke. One is St-Paul and the other is Minneapolis.

Enthusiasm in all things is often mistaken for you just being an annoying know-it-all. – Luke Romyn

My friend, Luke Romyn, has this dream about playing a role in a movie based on one of his novels so that he can then rent the film out in his video stores.

In boxing, you either lead with your left hand or with your right - not in between the two! – Luke Romyn

Some things just don’t translate… Like, “Another One Bites the Dust” by “Queen” in French would be, “Un, ou Une autre Mord la Poussière”

There's nothing wrong with someone who laughs too loudly, as long as you only see them at funerals. – Luke Romyn 

For some reason, waiters & waitresses frown when I order Cap’n Crunch and sliced dill pickles for breakfast.

Cheese can work as a weapon of mass obstruction.... – Luke Romyn

Here’s a short synopsis of the e-book I’m writing: Eeeeeee eee eeee eeeeee ee e eeee eeee eeeeee ee eee eeeeeee.

Never trust a brothel with a sheep as the logo... – Luke Romyn 

Canadian winter advice: Avoid licking steel fence posts when it’s -20 degrees.

Knowledge is our most powerful weapon... until we develop lightsabers. – Luke Romyn

Teacher: Jean-Pierre, Please make a sentence with the word ‘runaway’. Jean-Pierre: Da hairplane, she land on da runaway.

A shotgun does not substitute as a pacifier. – Luke Romyn

I recently saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End and was quite impressed with the make-up job they did on Keith Richards so that he didn’t look so fucked up.

80% of all statistics I quote have no basis in any conversation of worth. – Luke Romyn

This space was reserved for a piece I was going to write about the improper use of alcohol but I got so wasted I forgot what I wanted to say.

I wonder what the protein content of edible undies is… – Luke Romyn

Sneeze: A nasal orgasm.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; apart from post-coital waffles, that is. – Luke Romyn

We didn’t get many presents this year because we used the woodstove on Christmas Eve and set Santa on fire.

Beware of sociopathic elves throwing baubles. – Luke Romyn

One of our Christmas gifts this year was set of Henckel kitchen scissors. Ironically, to get them out of the packaging, we needed scissors.

I don't like the term 'responsible' adult. Remember it was 'responsible' adults who developed nuclear weapons. – Luke Romyn

We got a new meat mallet on which was a label stating “Do not put in dishwasher” so, I removed the label.

I try not to judge people, apart from the idiots. – Luke Romyn 

What is an enigma? This has me inexplicably and mysteriously puzzled.

Duct tape can be your best friend or your worst enemy. – Luke Romyn

I’ve been trying to explain to Joanne that Jack Frost makes the leaves change colour in the fall. The silly girl thinks it’s some guy called Chloro Phil!

I love the way some people tell the time. "That'll be 11am in the morning." No shit, Sherlock Holmes. – Luke Romyn

I have yet to find a homonym which is a synonym of antonym.

When in doubt, make a word up and pretend it’s common. Hyperstensuating the point further, I believe it’s called. – Luke Romyn

Sometimes I find that decompartmentalization has too many syllables so I use a synonym instead.

There's a thin line between a damsel in distress and a bitch who won't shut up. – Luke Romyn

Any way you look at it, peeing feels good.

Aggression is closely linked to arousal. So the next time a Neanderthal on meth tries to kill you, take it as a compliment. – Luke Romyn

We made a list of things to do and we can’t find it so now we’re listless.

Strangers are like lit matches. If you fart near them they're likely to flare up. – Luke Romyn

It is currently much later in time than it was a long while ago.

Always remember that to love animals is a virtue, but to love them too much is a sin. – Luke Romyn

Like momma used to say, if you’re gonna go swimming, you can’t have cramps for two hours.

I never knew before what I know now beyond the way I know the knowledge of never knowing nothing. – Luke Romyn

I didn’t know that either… You know, what Luke just blabbered.

I'm kind of glad nobody has ever come to one of my concerts, considering they happen in my shower.... – Luke Romyn

If I was a rock star, I’d like to play the same song twice in a row during concerts to make the stoners think they were hearing double.

Marriage requires love & understanding. Love from both, and understanding from the man to know he will never be right again... ever. – Luke Romyn

For some reason, our neighbours in the apartment blocks out back are annoyed with my skeet shooting range.

You've heard of guided missiles? What scares me is that this infers there are UN-guided missiles flying around out there. – Luke Romyn

Dressing up your cat is weird. I don’t mean outfitting it with equipment like a laser pointer attached to its head… That’s cool. But, a sweater or bonnet…? That’s weird.

Video games benefit entire families by keeping the kids entertained for hours and as such their parents don't kill them. – Luke Romyn 

I just made $543.92 in two minutes!! I held up a convenience store!!

I find some people could be really attractive if only they were better looking with more interesting personalities. – Luke Romyn

I know that I can always count on my calculator.

Mediocrity is just like celebrity... except for the fame and riches, of course. – Luke Romyn 

Do you remember Dr. Spock, the guy who taught parents how to raise children with the Vulcan grip?

The next time you contemplate jumping through a window and ending it all, spare a thought for the guy who cleaned the glass. – Luke Romyn

Are spam and phish computer food?

I like discussing Freud and Jung with my friends. We can never decide how either of them ever got laid. – Luke Romyn 

I don’t like finger sandwiches. I find the knuckles too crunchy.

Love hurts... and not always in a cool, sado-masochistic kind of way. – Luke Romyn

A camel, a feather duster and a large bucket of mayonnaise! Think of the possibilities!!

The grass may be greener on the other side, but that just means it's covered in more manure. – Luke Romyn

Yesterday, following a few pre-dinner cocktails, we had homemade calzones with some wine, then a few Triple-Secs along with a doobie. Feeling a bit off this morning… Must be the pepperoni.

Being dazed and confused is better than weak and refused but not as bad as soft and defused. – Luke Romyn

To all the people who think that snow is beautiful and pure, let me tell you that it’s actually cold and ugly, a pain in the ass to get rid of and evil.

Remember when jumping off a building was considered a final act, and not the beginning of a new sporting activity in your life? – Luke Romyn

I like snowplows. It’s the bastard that drives the thing and pushes all that snow in my driveway that I’m not keen on.

Christmas is a time of giving - giving the finger to that bastard who stole your park at the mall, that is. – Luke Romyn 

I wish that there existed more occasions in life to say Onomatopoeia.

Stereotypes don't always come in stereo. – Luke Romyn

And, prototypes don’t always come in proto either, Luke!

Imagine if we didn't have to sleep. We'd have so much more time to do nothing. – Luke Romyn

I feel sorry for people who never give a shit. They must be quite uncomfortable.

Introversion is not a sexual fetish. – Luke Romyn

If they did a modern version of Snow White, I wonder who would play the role of the pumpkin. – Recurrent Musings theme

My mood swings were getting annoying, so I put in a mood slide instead. – Luke Romyn

What’s a synonym for synonym?

I bet I can throw a mobile phone further than anyone. I've had plenty of practice. – Luke Romyn

Does homogeneous mean a really smart gay dude?

Did you ever know that you're my hero? I mean like the sandwich though. – Luke Romyn

What I'm thinking now is.... not profound; without profoundness. Damn hate that when it happens! – Special contribution by Joanne Chase

Now you gotta think that the guy who invented sausages had to be a little bit gay. – Luke Romyn

Following comprehensive testing, we have determined that there is a direct correlation between how much alcohol one consumes during an evening and how crappy one feels the following morning.

My penis is so big that if I laid it out on the keyboard it would stretch from A to Z. – Luke Romyn 

If someone dotes on you but you don’t reciprocate, does that make you an antidote?

If at first you don't succeed, aim and shoot again. – Luke Romyn

Do you want something hot, red and throbbing between your legs? How about a chili pepper?! – Created through the collaborative efforts of Luke Romyn, Winslow Eliot & me

If I ate myself, would I become twice as big or disappear completely? – Luke Romyn 

Why limit yourself to frogs’ legs when you can have the whole frog? Inspired by Matthew Russell

Life is too short, but then again it's the longest thing you'll ever do. – Luke Romyn

I don’t remember ever taking milk of amnesia.

I can laugh fluently in seven languages. – Luke Romyn

I’ve switched to drinking rum and coke because the scotch and heroin was screwing me up.

Damn those paparazzi! No matter what I do, they won't come after me. – Luke Romyn

The reason they have not made a French version of ‘So You Think You Can Dance’ is that ‘Alors Vous Pensez Que Vous Pouvez Dancer’ is too hard to sing with that tune.

Every so often, you'll come across someone who really shouldn't have been introduced into the gene pool. – Luke Romyn

Where can I buy Kevlar pants? It’s that or get the cat de-clawed.

Vacuum cleaners. More than just an obscure sexual device. – Luke Romyn

My brother told me he wears a balaclava to keep his head warm when he skis. Must look real bright with a Turkish pastry on your head, Bro!

I like leaving money in my pants pockets just to give myself a nice surprise the next time I put them on. – Luke Romyn

I think we may be spoiling our cats a bit too much because now they’re insisting we get them an Xbox.

Got a headache? Decapitation can solve that in a flash! – Luke Romyn

Tiger Woods could have avoided his recent car accident if he had used his driver.

Taxidermy? Nah, stuff it. – Luke Romyn

If you do something today that you were going to do tomorrow, does that make you an anticrastinator?

I never notice people who claim to be "individuals". There's too many of them and they all look the same. – Luke Romyn 

I once tried cross-country skiing but soon realized that Canada is a pretty big country.

I heard the guy who created Viagra is a real stiff. – Luke Romyn

I’ve often heard of people making things from scratch… What exactly is scratch?

Tooth paste; so much more effective than tooth rocks. – Luke Romyn 

What does a vegetarian eat for Thanksgiving? Tofurkey?

I wonder if these guys who try to look like gangstas with their pants hangin' low realize they're the one who're the bitches in jail. – Luke Romyn

It is said that marijuana affects your memory. Well, goddamn if I didn’t forget to smoke a joint the other night.

I bought a walking stick, but I think I got ripped off. Damn thing hasn't moved an inch! – Luke Romyn

With two cats in the house for nearly four years, I’m starting to speak cat pretty well. I just don’t know what the hell I’m saying.

I hate asking rhetorical questions for which there are no answers. – Luke Romyn

A friend recently asked, ”In consideration of the Big Bang Theory, if light travels faster than matter, how did we get here first such that we can see the light coming from billions of years ago?” Following careful thought, I replied, “Who gives a shit?”

Don't forget that your emotions have feelings too. – Luke Romyn

It seems that I was recently upgraded from ‘cat furniture’ to ‘cat amusement park’.

I love dancing, as long as I don't have to get off the couch. – Luke Romyn 

Why don’t they make iPods that you can play vinyls on?

Never forget Fonzie, or the sacrifice he made for all mankind. – Luke Romyn

I watched a World Series game with 3D glasses on and got hit in the head by a ball.

If things seem bad, try to remember you could just as easily have been re-incarnated as a lettuce. – Luke Romyn

Based on messages I’ve seen on Twitter, it seems like January is Boob-job month.

Fighting should always be your last option... right after stabbing and shooting. – Luke Romyn

Considering the success of Apple and Blackberry, if I start a company, I’m calling it Eggplant.

Talent should never be wasted... unless you're really good at killing people. – Luke Romyn 

When Americans say ‘POTUS’, do they mean ‘give us marijuana’? (In honour of Meg)

Boredom is simply another symptom of boredom. – Luke Romyn (In honour of Meg)

I believe that Thanksgiving is celebrated in Canada earlier than in the U.S. simply because the turkeys got here first. (In honour of Meg)

Some people really should be de-sexed before they're allowed to breed. – Luke Romyn (In honour of Meg)

A friend had his name legally changed from Patrick to Edward so now he’s an ex-Pat.

I'd cry if the government hadn't taxed my tear ducts. – Luke Romyn

Trash Collection Course # 435: How to efficiently NOT completely empty trash cans along your route.

Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and boy was that little arachnid pissed off. – Luke Romyn 

I’ve got a great idea and can’t believe nobody has ever come up with this! Pita hats!!

Oysters are great. It's like eating snot mixed with Viagra. – Luke Romyn

Contrary to popular belief, Drano is not an effective remedy for constipation.

If you know that you're an idiot, does that negate the idiocy? – Luke Romyn

If you find employment as a cocaine dealer, can we say you got a blow job?

When shaving your head, followed by your face, it's almost impossible to stop from shaving your eyebrows. I live with this fear... – Luke Romyn 

If the buzzers on clothes-dryers were replaced with David Gilmour guitar solos, the world would be a better place.

If at some time you're not sure, it's definitely time to bathe. – Luke Romyn

 Sometimes for fun, I get Joanne to say words like aluminium, nuclear and luminous (you have to be there).

Insanity makes everything taste like alfalfa. – Luke Romyn

Strange… Everything I eat tastes like alfalfa.

I toured through the Bermuda Trapezoid. Much less eventful than the Triangle. – Luke Romyn

Every once in a while, I like to say spelunking.

How big does the diamond have to be on your ring for you to retrieve it from the toilet? – Luke Romyn 

I believe that we could solve the world’s economic problems if we simply replaced existing currencies with Styrofoam peanuts.

Snoring is just my way of telling my wife I love her, over and over in the most annoying way possible. – Luke Romyn

Have you noticed that YUCK and MUCK both rhyme with FiretrUCK?

Suicide is never funny, even when it's committed by a clown. – Luke Romyn

Here’s another one from my ‘brilliant’ university-attending stepson… Last night, he was talking about Playdoh back in 400 B.C.!!

Did General Custer have a first stand? – Luke Romyn 

I’ve got culture! I’ve got the Petri dishes to prove it!!

My one and only time pole dancing didn't end well. Nobody told me the pole was supposed to be attached! – Luke Romyn

Any bots out there that want to chat? You know, we could exchange binary numbers...

I'm a sports homophobe. I can't watch any sport involving the handling of balls. – Luke Romyn

Who the hell is this Slim Pickings?

I never look at porn, unless it involves pics & videos of people having sex. – Luke Romyn

I saw this on twitter and felt it was worthy of sharing with you ایمان میراب زاده آزاد شدند.

I love traveling in trains, but for some reason every time it enters a tunnel I get an erection. – Luke Romyn

I like traveling in trains too except that I find the floors of the box-cars uncomfortable after a while.

Yodeling is great if you've got no friends and want to keep it that way. – Luke Romyn 

I find that insanity is often neglected as a quality of someone’s personality.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you a better class of hooker. – Luke Romyn

I brought up a glass of water for my bed and a glass of wine for my head. – Special contribution from Joanne Chase

Superman was an alien... an illegal alien... a Jamaican in New York. – Luke Romyn

Dyserectilian Malatrophismal Dysfunction is a subject men tend not to discuss amongst themselves.

My star on the Hollywood walk of fame is disguised as a fire hydrant. – Luke Romyn

Hey, who’s been smoking my hemp cargo pants?

My time playing violin ended abruptly when I asked my teacher what sort of guitar it was. – Luke Romyn

We bought 1,000 bio-degradable garbage bags at Costco. They composted in the closet. – Special contribution from Joanne Chase

Is there a form of post traumatic stress disorder for bad sexual performance? – Luke Romyn

I find that when people smoke marijuana, I get… uh, they get wacky ideas.

How long until they make The Lesbian Bachelorette? I'd watch that. – Luke Romyn

I wonder which course it is in trash collector school where they learn how to throw your trash can three lots down the street.

Neck connected bungee jumping never really took off. – Luke Romyn 

I am wise beyond my years… Or is that between my ears? Aww damn, now I’m confused and my head hurts…

I never really enjoyed playing hide and seek with my imaginary friend. – Luke Romyn

I like to lie in bed and watch the night sky but when it rains or snows, I wish we had a roof.

Who wins in a competition to determine who's a bigger failure? – Luke Romyn

It’s just a thought but I kinda wish internet hackers would get hit by a truck or train or bus ... or cut up with a buzz saw...or hacked to death with a machete... or fall off a 20 story building... or get eaten by wild rabid dogs… or maybe drawn and quartered or stabbed with thousands of needles and sprayed with vinegar or tumbled in a cement truck filled with shards of broken glass… But it’s just a thought. – With assistance from D.J. Weaver

My graphic novel utilizing stick figures didn't do very well. – Luke Romyn

Sometimes, I just find myself trying to figure out what the hell I’m trying to do!

I just realized I'm currently the oldest I've ever been.... Damn! – Luke Romyn

Sometimes, things get confusing… Especially on weekend evenings…

Meditation may calm the soul, but Bourbon kills it completely. – Luke Romyn

My research shows the definite link between children & insanity!!! – Special contribution by C.K. Webb

I am the best looking ugly guy I know. – Luke Romyn

Weird… I used the ‘Find People’ function on Twitter and I couldn’t find myself?!

I never really succeeded at failing. – Luke Romyn 

I don’t believe that anyone can have an IQ of 140 AND bench-press 420 pounds, and if you know anybody who does, don’t tell them I said this!!

I'm too competitive to be a porn star - I always come first. – Luke Romyn 

I like to think that I’m part of the half that laughs at the other half.

Is dyslexia really supposed to be spelt that way? – Luke Romyn

Suddenly pulling a rotating, electric toothbrush out of your mouth does not a clean bathroom mirror make.

Kids are great, but I prefer chicken. – Luke Romyn 

Haiku: A Japanese sneeze.

Epileptic bomb disposal expert; a once in a lifetime activity. – Luke Romyn

Want to make millions of dollars in just one day?!!! Choose the right lottery numbers!!

Testicles should not be referred to as 'nuts' or 'balls'. Something like 'spherical fleshbeans of anguish' seems more appropriate. – Luke Romyn

Sometimes, my stepson’s not too bright. He was blabbing the other day about Darwin and his studies of jeans… Jeans didn’t even exist when Darwin was around!!

Analysts creep me out. In fact all those strange sexual fetishes make me uncomfortable. – Luke Romyn 

A psychic on Twitter sent me a message saying she looked forward to getting to know me. Shouldn’t she already know me?

If man was meant to fly, God would have included the intelligence to create a method of achieving this . . . Oh . . . right. – Luke Romyn

Don’t smoke cat kibble, even if it looks like hash.

It's a shame stupidity isn't hereditary. If it was, at least then I could forgive all those idiots. – Luke Romyn 

What is a stute? Joanne just told me I was a stute??

I failed my IQ test. – Luke Romyn

I saw a sex shop advertising about Christmas shopping… Yeah, right… Merry Christmas, Mom!! It’s a vibrator!!

No matter how many times I change my password, it always ends up as ********. – Luke Romyn

You should not use bleach, Mr. Clean or Comet as a teeth whitener.

I can't remember the last time I forgot something. – Luke Romyn 

Statistics show that we share our birthday with about nine million other people. Guess we’re going to need more than one cake.

Male nudity doesn't offend me. Unless it involves penis. – Luke Romyn

Sure, steroids can kill you, but think of how pumped and buff you’ll look for your funeral!

I'm pretty sure there's a law somewhere that says you can't play a banjo if you have more than two teeth. – Luke Romyn

I once tried my hand as a cat burglar but when I got up to 34 cats in the house, it got to be annoying.

Boring day in the office? End each and every phone conversation with, "I love you." Say it quick so they can't be sure what you said. – Luke Romyn 

Is a wheat thresher operator a cereal killer?

It's never a good thing if your doctor giggles when you disrobe. – Luke Romyn

What must really suck is to be nearly dying from H1N1 and then getting hit by a truck.

The Nintendo Wii has nothing to do with actual urine. – Luke Romyn

How do TV networks know what kind of what kind of set I have in order to format a movie to fit my screen?

I established a worldwide cartel with one objective - to have total control over the entire trade of black-market postage stamps. – Luke Romyn

There was this documentary on television about the ill effects of drinking alcohol so I switched channels.

I'm thinking of getting the word "TATTOO" tattooed across my chest just to avoid any confusion. – Luke Romyn 

Joanne is in such great shape that she threw her back out sleeping.

I used to be politically correct until all those damn Muslim lesbian midgets got involved. – Luke Romyn

How do the people who make those shopping mall maps know where we are?

One day I will find that anorexic sumo wrestler... – Luke Romyn

I found out that my neighbour is a trash collector. Weird hobby…

My lie detector test couldn't work because I was standing up. – Luke Romyn

How should one dress to give the best impression for a telephone interview?

I'm a control freak who's out of control. – Luke Romyn 

I wood lyke two bee en Inglich teacher.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a small stick of Semtex under your car with a remote detonator will finish the job. – Luke Romyn

The cattle got into the marijuana fields so the steaks were high.

It's ironic that hating racists is considered discriminatory. – Luke Romyn

Sometimes, my mind has a mind of its own.

For some reason my doctor freaked out when I tried to fill the specimen jar... from across the room. – Luke Romyn

I had to go to the bathroom this morning; shit happens.

The spelling of BOOB brings both a visual and aural indication of the subject matter. And sounds cool too. – Luke Romyn 

Writing funny stuff is a serious business.

Masturbation procrastination involves relaxation and imagination. – Luke Romyn

Why do cats think that ANYTHING in a can is for them?

In a world of GPS, spell-check, hybrid-multiplication supercomputers & Google, what the hell do kids learn in school? – Luke Romyn

I made just one Twitter list of everyone I’m following!

My life of crime ended prematurely when I realized I was too pretty for prison. – Luke Romyn

I saw an internet ad that said “Do what you like and get paid” so I just bum around the house all day… When do I get paid?

Since cars kill more people than guns, a really cool war could just be a massive demolition derby. – Luke Romyn

When they say something tickles your fancy, what body part are they referring to?

I sing in notes previously unheard of by man. – Luke Romyn 

If pigs could fly, I would always wear a big hat.

What do you call a sandwich without bread? Messy. – Luke Romyn

Does anyone know how to spell phffffffftt?

Always beware of falling pool tables. – Luke Romyn

I’m developing a new automobile which runs on methane; the Fart Car.

Scientists have yet to prove that the universe doesn't actually revolve around me. – Luke Romyn

How do towns and cities along the highway manage to maintain their populations at exact multiples of a thousand?

I like going into shops and asking where they keep the extra large condoms. – Luke Romyn 

In relation to my job-searching, a friend suggested that I come up with questions and interview myself for practice. I did and was so impressed that I hired myself!

Everyone deserves a friend... Except that really smelly dude who keeps picking his nose. – Luke Romyn

I like geography so I’m drawing a full-scale world map.

A woman wants a man to be honest with her right up until he is. – Luke Romyn

I did an IQ test recently, and I don’t want to brag but, I got 79%!!

Never, ever ask a guy if he's okay after copping a hit in the balls. – Luke Romyn

I saw an ad on the internet about growing three inches taller in six weeks. I was going to try it but then figured all my pants would be too short.

For years I thought Vegans were people who avoided sex. – Luke Romyn 

Besides the cold, the snow and the treacherous roads and sidewalks, I LOVE winter!

Cats have no right to be so surly when they can lick their own crotch. – Luke Romyn

My favourite part of Snow White is when the dwarfs turn into pumpkins at midnight.

Unsalted butter is like untesticled men. – Luke Romyn

Opening the emergency door of an airliner at 45,000 feet is frowned upon, even if it’s a prank.

There's nothing weird about wearing women's panties . . . unless you have a penis. Then you're a freak! – Luke Romyn

Neat driving prank: When you see a patrol car, accelerate to 100 mph and when the cop pulls you over, ask “Officer, do you realize how fast you were going?”

People always comment on how blue my eyes look. I don't think they appear sad at all. – Luke Romyn

The great thing about winter is that chances increase of seeing people slip and fall!

I'm thinking of starting a business selling clues. People who don't understand that comment will be my future customers. – Luke Romyn

One advantage of suffering from multiple personality disorder is that you’re never lonely!

Always remember, goats are people too. – Luke Romyn 

I’m not worried about the swine flu. It seems to be doing very well on its own.

I'm sure some guys think their testicles are just for decoration. – Luke Romyn

With a name like Bangkok, how could it NOT be the sex capital of the world?

Never trust a guy who says you have a pretty mouth. – Luke Romyn

There’s one month of the year which I don’t like… Winter.

Sometimes a coma can be a boon. A Paris Hilton concert for instance... – Luke Romyn

Going to the dentist is like being taken for execution. They take you to the chair and then give you the needle… Except you don’t die!

I hate that guy’s guts . . . the rest of him is pretty cool though. – Luke Romyn

I think that ‘perturbing’ someone is worse than ‘disturbing’ someone because ‘p’ is further in the alphabet.

Psychotic Midget Transvestite Clowns. Mark my words. One day some idiot will think that's a great title for a movie. – Luke Romyn

Joanne sometimes confuses sex with smoking a joint in terms of getting the munchies.

I like asking a mechanic for a cut and polish in a breathy voice as I play with my belt buckle. – Luke Romyn 

When it comes to meals, our cats don’t give a rat’s ass if we changed the clocks to Standard Time.

An electric car is like a guy who doesn't sweat. – Luke Romyn

A bunch of us went on a cruise last year so we were all in the same boat.

I put this book I was reading on the backburner and the damned thing caught on fire.

I like wearing glasses; they promote me from mindless to moronic. – Luke Romyn 

We went to see my niece’s school play. It was a class act.

The other day I was driving my Lamborghini when I fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into reality. – Luke Romyn

My buddy, Jim Hackett, asked me to do something for him but I told him, “I can’t, Hackett.”

I can't help but giggle every time a mechanic mentions a grease nipple. – Luke Romyn

How exactly are you supposed to cut mustard, anyways?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but logs and boulders will really screw me up. – Luke Romyn 

Many people criticize the younger generations for their seeming lack of drive. To counter this criticism, I have formed the International Management Leadership Association of Zealous Youths. That’s right, the I.M.L.A.Z.Y.

Quitting smoking is easy. Just break all your fingers, stick your hands in acid & sew your mouth & nose shut. No more smoking. Easy! – Luke Romyn

Two new influenza strains have now been identified. One is the Whine Flu, its symptoms being excessive whining about feeling ill mid-week, followed by sick days taken on Thursday and Friday. The second is the Wine Flu, the symptoms of which strangely resemble a hang-over.

I like skydiving as long as I don't have to leave the ground. – Luke Romyn

Some people are unable to admit their mistakes. I’d certainly admit mine if I made any!

The banjo never really recovered after the cinematic release of Deliverance. – Luke Romyn

I’ve heard of people who are into bestiality!! What’s next?! Sex with animals?!

I never really lived down my drunken recreation of Lady Godiva. – Luke Romyn

I think animal testing is stupid. Animals don’t even go to school.

I hear a lot of talk about smart phones. Why can't they create smarter people? – Luke Romyn

I wish I knew how to spell words like pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism and floccinaucinihilipilification.

I was rejected as a volunteer. That's the type of crap that lands a guy in therapy. – Luke Romyn

Nothing wakes you up in the morning like an eight pound cat pouncing on your testicles.

I decided I don't need medication to hold onto . . . Oh look, a talking birdy . . . reality. – Luke Romyn

Our cats don’t seem to like the new game I’ve developed called “Throw the cat real high in the air”.

I actually have a late night talk show where all the guests are the voices in my head... The audience too. – Luke Romyn 

Things men never say: “Please, please can I do the laundry?!!”

Signs you should consider plucking: Your nose hair requires styling gel. – Luke Romyn

Never play catch with live hand grenades.

I swear I saw the best set of tits I've even seen on a guy today in Bangkok. – Luke Romyn 

Is a sub-ledger like a ledger that can go under water?

Signs you should consider waxing: Your bikini line has sideburns. – Luke Romyn

My favorite part of Cinderella is when she dances with the seven dwarfs! – This Simple Musing is part of a recurrent theme

Why do the seats on female public toilets go up? – Luke Romyn 

If you’re tired of putting up the Christmas tree, get cats!!

I did a drive by once, but forgot my gun. It was very anticlimactic. Sort of just waved at people and smiled. – Luke Romyn

Don't take it personally... the witch/warlock in front of you has their own problems. – Special contribution by Joanne Chase

Signs you should consider plucking: You can use your ear hair for a comb-over. – Luke Romy

It is not recommended to eat hash brownies when you have the munchies.

Signs you should consider waxing: There is no distinct line between your eyebrows and your back hair. – Luke Romyn

The existential culinary question: Does one serve red or white wine with steamed hot-dogs?

I'm as pressured as a man pressed into a freshly pressed shirt within a pressure tank listening to David Bowie's "Under Pressure". – Luke Romyn

What is everyone talking about with this pandemic about flying pigs? You know, the swine flew?!

The judge never saw the humor when I tried to sue my hand for sexual harassment. – Luke Romyn 

I used to think I was pretty smart until one day when someone offered me a penny for my thoughts.

Scientists have proven that a man is capable of slipping into a coma whilst still carrying his wife's shopping bags around the mall. – Luke Romyn

Never use the phrase ‘over my dead body’ when arguing with a serial killer.

I often look up at the sun and wonder if my eyesight would be better if I didn't. – Luke Romyn

They say that crime doesn’t pay. What do you call free room and board for 20 years?!

A man's IQ is determined by the amount of gray pubes he has. Go on ladies, prove me wrong. – Luke Romyn 

If my last name was Day and I had kids, I’d give them names like Sunny, Rainy, Crappy and Whatafucking…

Ping pong should never be attempted using sea urchins. – Luke Romyn

Studies show that impotence is not hereditary.

I like to think I sport the world's shortest ever afro. – Luke Romyn

Tourist advice to those visiting Mumbai: When visiting the garbage dumps, don’t pet the stray dogs. – Actual advice once given to me by a Mumbai resident

Stubble is nature's way of telling you you're getting feral. – Luke Romyn

Dentistry Course # 527: Open questions to ask patients while their mouths are full of equipment.

A rocket launcher is almost never an appropriate response to a wolf whistle. Almost never. – Luke Romyn 

I had stored my snow tires in the shed for the summer and when I went to get them, they had melted.

I had a short career as a porcupine juggler. – Luke Romyn

I know this guy who always talks in rhymes. It seems that when his parents brought him up, they confused Dr. Spock with Dr. Suess.

It's okay for men to cry, but only if it's because they've broken a fingernail. – Luke Romyn

It was raining cats and dogs this morning and this German Shepherd landed on me and busted my umbrella.

My antivirus just handed in a request for stress leave. – Luke Romyn 

This gentleman I know, Mr. Yurluk, is a nice guy but can sometimes be pushy. When he is, I tell him, “Don’t push, Yurluk.”

I walked into my watercolour class yesterday and the tables were turned.

Getting hit in the solar plexus really takes my breath away.

They say that if something happens without a hitch, nothing at all goes wrong. Oh yeah? Try dragging a trailer without one!

You get what you pay for, unless you steal it. 

When someone give you a gift of haschisch, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Maybe it's just me, but David Caruso always seems deeply constipated. – Luke Romyn

Cod, halibut and sea bass are just some examples of other fish to fry.

Silence is always only a roll of duct tape away. – Luke Romyn

The other band members volunteered but we had to pay the piper.

How can Daleks exterminate humanity when they can't even get up stairs? – Luke Romyn

If you take away the turkey, stuffing, potatoes and cranberry sauce, the rest is gravy.

Common sense is so rare it should be classed as a super power. – Luke Romyn

I like to go bowling and get the ball rolling.

I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol. – Luke Romyn

I read a book between the lines and all I got was blank space.

Gambling involves luck, skill, and stupidity. – Luke Romyn

I needed something to tie some tarps with, so the sales clerk showed me the ropes. 

This morning, I had something on the tip of my tongue. It turned out to be a cat hair.

I'm a great handyman as long as I don't have to fix anything. – Luke Romyn

For some reason, some people seem to think I’m a little crazy… Maybe it’s the straightjacket…

Water beds are great, except for sex addicts with sea sickness. – Luke Romyn 

I once tried my hand at money laundering but found that all that loose change clanging in the dryer was too annoying.

My psychiatrist suggested my issues were caused by being disconnected with my emotions. Always knew I was special. – Luke Romyn

If it’s neither fish nor fowl, it must be beef or pork.

My relationship with a necrophiliac almost proved the death of me. – Luke Romyn

Last year, my stepson cut himself pretty badly but when he came back from the hospital, he was in stitches!!

My eyesight was blurry, so I went to the optometrist. He told me I looked great and to stay positive. I read the 'optimist' sign wrong. – Luke Romyn

Why does anyone even bother to find a needle in a haystack?

Look down. See those 6 toes on each foot? Yep. That means your mother is your sister. – Luke Romyn

Why do they always introduce a person after saying that person needed no introduction?

Barbie dolls. Decades of being a role model for bimbos worldwide. – Luke Romyn

People with nerves of steel must have a bitch of a time going through metal detectors.

You know your best man doubts your sexuality when he gets you a stripper on your buck's night . . . a MALE stripper. – Luke Romyn

If something is neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

I like to take obscure sex toys in my overseas luggage just to see the x-ray guy's expression. – Luke Romyn

I called my cousin last week but his wife told me he was tied up at the moment. Sly dog, I never knew he was into bondage!!

If your hair is greasier than your car axle there's a good chance you're a nerd. – Luke Romyn 

I don’t care how good he was, I’m happy I wasn’t William Tell’s son.

I like balloons. They remind me of condoms. Which remind me of sex. Kind of awkward at the fair though. – Luke Romyn 

I once got up on the wrong side of the bed and smacked right into the wall.

It's only a problem if you acknowledge it. – Luke Romyn

We were all set up to get the show on the road when the cops pulled up and told us that we were blocking traffic.

Don't brush your teeth with a loaded gun. – Luke Romyn

When we go to the restaurant, we sometimes go Dutch. Other times, we go Italian or Mexican or Chinese. It all depends on what we feel like eating.

You really shouldn't use tarot cards to play poker. – Luke Romyn

If you lower the bar, then short people can drink too!

My memory foam mattress forgot me. – Luke Romyn 

We felt that our cat, Midnight, wasn’t eating quite enough so we now feed her a little marijuana half an hour before every meal.

Guns without bullets are like geeks without brains. – Luke Romyn

Midnight has grown tired of playing with the laser pointer and now insists on PowerPoint presentations instead.

Never trust a doctor who tells you he loves you before snapping on those rubber gloves. – Luke Romyn

The concept of “there’s no free lunch” doesn’t seem to apply to my stepson.

Customs officers always look at you differently if you request a cavity search. – Luke Romyn

With my new phone, I can take photos, check my emails, browse the web and even start up my car. I just wish I could figure out how to make and receive phone calls.

I think world record high jumps would rapidly increase if there was razor wire instead of a bar. – Luke Romyn

Our landscaper rudely insisted that we have a hedge planted so we took a fence.

I think it's called "high" school because that's the first place most people discover drugs.

I wouldn’t mind paying through the nose so much if it wasn’t so damn irritating to my nostrils.

Sponges suck. – Luke Romyn

Vacuum cleaners suck even more.

Actions speak louder than words . . . except words from those really loud, obnoxious people. – Luke Romyn 

I remember my grandmother, always rocking in the corner while knitting except once when we arrived and she was off her rocker.

My visual artistry is limited to full body portraits with extremely minimal detail which some in the industry call stick figures. – Luke Romyn

I always try to avoid opening a can of worms because they’re slimy and disgusting.

Balance is essential in all walks of life, but especially vital for tightrope walkers. – Luke Romyn

I looked at the sky today and realized that it was way over my head.

One good aspect of being a sewerage worker is the knowledge that your next life cannot possibly be worse. – Luke Romyn 

Want to be a Disney character? Have a few drinks with a couple of painkillers and be Goofy!

Do not kick perverts in the groin! On some twisted level that counts as groping for them. – Luke Romyn

Is a hash-tag a more concentrated form of a marijuana-tag?

Nope, sorry. I don't believe it was the chair squeaking. – Luke Romyn

If I ever fall ill or have an accident, I want to be treated at one of those hospitals with all the fancy doodads on the TV shows.

I can do the splits. I end up in hospital afterwards, but I can still do the splits. – Luke Romyn

We enjoy gourmet cooking. For example, last night, we had “saucisson de francfort sauté” on “petits pains grillés”. (Translation for the French impaired: toasted hot-dogs)

Surfing is a great way to show people how uncoordinated you really are. – Luke Romyn

I’m concerned. My computer is having a lurid affair with a sexbot.

You know you're having a slow day when you stand on the escalator for ten minutes before you realize it's stopped. – Luke Romyn 

Cinco de Mayo is a holiday in honor of when the SS Hellmann’s went down.

The game of love is the only one where the longer you play, the less you score. – Luke Romyn

I can’t find the keys on my keyboard to write stuff like แต่บนภูเขาอากาศดี มนุษย์ชอ บไปเที่ ยวภูเขา.

Why is it peeping Tom? Why not peeping Geraldo? – Luke Romyn

My computer was tired of eating Spam so it went phishing.

Death is a lot like life. Just with a lot less breathing or movement. Or seeing, hearing or feeling. Or thinking. Otherwise it's the same. – Luke Romyn

If you sometimes forget how to spell 'tab', all you have to remember is that it’s just like ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ except that you drop the ‘antidises’ at the beginning and the ‘lishmentarianism’ at the end.

Losing your virginity doesn't count if you're the only one in the room. – Luke Romyn

I’m excellent with numbers as long as I have a calculator… Uhh, how do you turn this thing on?

A cerebral aneurism is just failure to physically cope with your transformation into the Incredible Hulk. – Luke Romyn

I was walking on air yesterday and then gravity took over…

I RSVP'd on my party invitation. I don't think they appreciated the yellow stains. – Luke Romyn

I took the Trans-Canada Highway and following several days of driving, ended up in Victoria, B.C. so, NO, not all roads lead to Rome!

I'm the best lover my hand has ever known. – Luke Romyn 

Joanne has discovered the perfect relief for sciatic nerve pain. Lotsa white wine!

"You smell like poo poo" is not a strong rebuttal during a theoretical debate. – Luke Romyn

They celebrate May Day in October in South Australia. When do they celebrate Oktoberfest?

Battles at the urinal do not count as cock fighting. – Luke Romyn

I read on Twitter that the average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows so I asked myself, “Who gives a shit?”

I wanna try tap-dancing on ice. – Luke Romyn

Imagine if Twitter was “real life” so that all those people were actually “following” you. Spooky…

The Devil made me do it . . . It was either him or Dr Phil. – Luke Romyn

A hornet nest does not make a good hat. – Special contribution by Doreen Cavazza

My family tree is a rose bush - full of pricks. – Luke Romyn 

This guy I know asked me to lend him a hand and I did but that was about three weeks ago and I’d kinda like it back.

I jumped off a bridge once. It was only five inches off the ground, but that takes nothing away from the action. It was still a bridge. – Luke Romyn

I’m trying to do my share to save some trees so I’m buying strictly e-books now. However, dragging my desktop and monitor all over the place when I want to read is kind of annoying.

Yoga is great for your body, mind and soul. Vodka is easier. – Luke Romyn

I once heard that a little learning is a dangerous thing so I’ve done my best to remain ignorant.

I think it's no coincidence that absent and abstinence sound so similar. Something's definitely absent from those who are abstinent. – Luke Romyn

It must be terrible to be all fingers and thumbs!! I mean, how do you walk, how do you eat?!!

Torture, maiming, and psychological trauma . . . And then there's the weird guys who don't like that stuff. – Luke Romyn

It’s a lot easier to get in on the ground floor than, say, on the 20th floor.

Star light, star bright. First star I- . . . OH MY GOD! METEOR! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! – Luke Romyn 

True conversation last night: Joanne: “Well, that was quite the party week-end!” Claude: “Yep! That’s probably why we feel all fucked up!”

Friends are like butt cheeks; crap might separate them, but they always come back together. – Luke Romyn

I was planning to start working out on October 1st but I forgot. Now, I have to wait until November 1st

I like the idea of hang gliding. Any sport where you get to lie in a hammock is high on my list of favorites. – Luke Romyn

The only problem I find with Twitter is that there’s not enough bots… (Warning: This Simple Musing contains a high level of sarcasm.)

I'm thinking of getting dotted lines tattooed across my chest to help them out when it's time for my autopsy. – Luke Romyn 

For some strange reason, I am not attracted to internet advertisements about colon cleansing.

Immortality would be great if I wasn't sure that in thousands of years they'll thaw out the Spice Girls for a reunion. – Luke Romyn

Yep, Joanne is in fine physical shape. She’s stiff and sore today from having cooked yesterday’s turkey.

I spent hours trying to demist my bathroom mirror only to find it was a piece of frosted glass. – Luke Romyn

Why do today what you can do tomorrow or the day after or maybe, never!

Never confuse that can of insect spray with the one of spray paint. – Luke Romyn 

Following last night’s Thanksgiving dinner party, I’m playing a new game I invented this morning. It’s called Hung-over Zombie.

Crudity is often included unnecessarily into statements, but who gives a shit. – Luke Romyn

It takes guts to make the human body function properly.

I just want to make it clear that I never had sex with David Letterman. – Luke Romyn

Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble… I was talking turkey.

I have to exfoliate with a belt sander. – Luke Romyn 

Joanne and I had a foot bath in order to cleanse our soles.

Having sex with a rifle does not count as a shotgun wedding. – Luke Romyn

I tried to keep my nose to the grindstone and I almost ripped it off my face.

There's a support group for cowards who blame others for their absolute lack of genitals. It's called the Taliban! – Luke Romyn 

Joanne may have finally figured it out!! Glossy side down on the photo printer!!

I think I need more irony in my diet. – Luke Romyn

Joanne sometimes gets queasy around raw food. For example, this morning when she got the bread out… Ughh, raw toast…

Apologies are always the most sincere when not accompanied by a kick in the testicles. – Luke Romyn

I find that when people wear their heart on their sleeve, it looks kind of gross.

I've just developed all these calluses in case breasts grow thorns. – Luke Romyn 

I love haikus… Or is it limericks? Anyways, I mean those funny things written by bards… Or is it muses?

I tried using fibre in my sink drain, but it just made it worse. I'm sure the doctor said it would help with blockage. – Luke Romyn

Making a Thanksgiving turkey dinner for my family is actually quite easy and pleasing to do. It’s all the fucking cleaning up shit afterwards that’s a pain in the ass! – Special contribution by Joanne

Sometimes, I wish I could write… I mean, actually, physically write.

I never believe another man who says I can trust him because he's a gynecologist. – Luke Romyn

Several people have asked, “How can your cat lick the wound on her neck?” Our reply has been, “Can you lick your ass?”

Hey, I whipped my bra off in no time tonight!! – Special contribution by Joanne

Psychiatry involves incredible in-depth analysis of the human mind in order to discover it was all your mother's fault. – Luke Romyn

When someone tells me I’m as cute as a button, I always wonder what kind of fucking button they are talking about.

You wanna impress me? Bite your own ear. – Luke Romyn

When I read something that I wrote for the fifth time and still laugh, I figure, it must be funny… Or maybe it’s the rum…

I like to have deep and meaningful conversations with my alternate personalities. – Luke Romyn 

Joanne bought herself some socks made of bamboo! She finds that they are comfortable enough except for the splinters under her toenails.

I keep a pair of sandy undies which I put on from time to time just to pretend I'm at the beach. – Luke Romyn

We just finished the jar of relish we had bought at Costco in 2004.

My imaginary friend used to steal my lunch money. – Luke Romyn

If we didn’t have real estate agents, where would we get all those little pads of paper for our grocery lists?

Anyway, after I'd kicked Rumplestiltskin's ass.... – Luke Romyn 

We really freaked out last night. Joanne was playing with the laser pointer with Midnight and the cat caught the red dot!!! Maybe it was the brownies…

Hermaphrodites. Fun for everyone. – Luke Romyn

“What did you say? You’re a mess?”…. “No! I said PMS!”…. “Oh.. Same thing.”

I like being obscure about . . . you know . . . stuff. – Luke Romyn

Is redundancy like being a dunce again? – Highly inspired by Joanne

Claustrophobia doesn't affect me, except in enclosed spaces. – Luke Romyn

I thought I was a procrastinator but recently realized that I’m simply lazy.

Advice for BDSM addicts. Whiplash is very different to being lashed with a whip. – Luke Romyn 

Yesterday, I mixed two parts hydrogen with one part oxygen and it made a very refreshing drink!!

The proof is in the pudding....so, what's in the Jello? – Contributed unknowingly by Doreen Cavassa 

If Hertz, the car rental company, suddenly became really huge, would it become Megahertz?

Soda water is great for getting out bloodstains.... So I've heard. - Luke Romyn

I have come to realize that I excel at something… I am excellent cat furniture!!

Winning isn't everything, but losers don't get laid by cheerleaders. – Luke Romyn

Sure, I’ve heard of Captain Kangaroo!! He’s in the Australian military!!

Don't use that loaded revolver as a hammer, Macgyver. – Luke Romyn 

Tearing his hair out is one thing Luke Romyn does not have a problem with.

I love vaginas so much I'm thinking of having one installed. – Luke Romyn

Those who live by the sword die by the sword, unless they get hit by a bus or something.

Do you ever get that little voice telling you you're doing something wrong? Alcohol can fix that right up. – Luke Romyn 

I just got wind of what you’ve been eating! Ughhh!!

I love seeing if computers can fly when they stop working properly. – Luke Romyn

I figured out how to type anything without any spelling mistakes. Whenever a word has red squiggles, I simply right-click and “Add to Dictionary”.

How long until they realize the true enemy of freedom is always the leprechauns? – Luke Romyn

It has been discovered that there are thousands of germ factories across the nation. They are called elementary schools!! – inspired by Cari Foulk

I heard about a guy who tried to have sex with a chicken. You just know he's working with some seriously tiny equipment for that. – Luke Romyn 

There’s this bakery just around the corner and their hotcakes are selling like… uh, hotcakes!!

I'm beautiful on the inside, especially my left lung. – Luke Romyn

Always remember to put your pants on before going to work or grocery shopping.

If things are getting too hot and heavy, you might need a smaller partner. – Luke Romyn

There is something about asylums that’s just, I don’t know, crazy…

Overweight people never have to worry about washing down the drain. – Luke Romyn

I don’t want to be stereotypical but have you ever seen someone, somewhere who you just KNEW was 40 watts with the dimmer on low?! – Contributed unknowingly by Olaf de Winter

Just because you like scat movies doesn't mean you're a freak. I'm sure there's someone weirder out there... somewhere. – Luke Romyn 

Joanne was telling me that they were packed like sardines on the train yesterday. She didn’t really mind except for being covered in olive oil.

Why are people so scared of falling? When what they need to be afraid of is the sudden abrupt STOP!!! – Special contribution by Brennon ThompSon

Last year I made a mint and this year, I’m thinking of making a chocolate covered caramel.

I swear on the Bible, I don't know how that pair of socks ended up in my underpants! – Luke Romyn

My cousin made a mountain out of a molehill and then turned it into a rather successful ski resort.

I don't mind the cuddling after sex... as long as I don't have to be involved. – Luke Romyn

They say that you are what you eat so I am currently a smoked meat sandwich. Tonight, I shall become macaroni and cheese.

Dogs are man's best friend... apart from Viagra. – Luke Romyn 

Joanne tried to take her bra off without removing her top yesterday and I had to call 911.

I love cooking sausages on the barbeque, but can't help wincing when I have to pierce the skin with a fork. – Luke Romyn

Midnight was still licking her wound so we lit up a joint and blew her a few stingers. As a result, we ended up with a really stoned cat slowly licking her wound… (Fiction, people, fiction!!)

Where is this mythical closet that all these men are supposedly hiding in? I bet its got good shoes. – Luke Romyn

A man is in hospital with serious injuries after sneaking into the Calgary Zoo overnight, scaling two fences and being injured by a tiger. Way to go, idiot…

Soft core porn is like waterskiing without a boat. – Luke Romyn

If we sold shares of Simple Musings, would it be a laughing stock?

One of the greatest myths of all time is that alcohol doesn't make you more attractive. Try it and see for yourself. – Luke Romyn

This guy at the fish-market this morning was selling his sole.

Cars are a great way to get around, transport goods, and to make up for your teeny-weeny penis. – Luke Romyn 

Want to know what really leaves a bad taste in my mouth? Liver.

There's something strangely disturbing about the location of the access on most hand puppets. – Luke Romyn

I heard someone say that beauty is only skin deep… Well, yeah… We’d all be pretty damned ugly without skin!

Can disagreeing twins be classed as physical bipolar? – Luke Romyn

I got myself a new computer with all the bells and whistles but all that ringing and tooting is driving me nuts.

The guys who claim to have a nuclear weapon in their pants are really compensating for just having a wet match. – Luke Romyn

Once in a while, when I want to see the big picture, I go to the cinema.

The one move missed in the Karma Sutra is "The Teenager": 15 minutes of fumbling for 30 seconds of pleasure & a lifetime of embarrassment. – Luke Romyn

If you bury your head in the sand, you will get sand up your nostrils.

Is hatred of hatred a good thing? – Luke Romyn 

A Rolling Stone gathers no moss, probably because of all the alcohol and drugs they do.

Sleepwalking through life is better than being wide awake when dead. – Luke Romyn

An ace up your sleeve is better and more comfortable than a spade in your pants.

Being beautiful is far more stressful than being ugly. You don't see ugly people crying when they get a pimple. – Luke Romyn

I met this guy who was all ears. No head, arms, legs, nothing but ears. Looked really spooky!!

Flying is a lot like falling, only sideways. – Luke Romyn

An old friend of mine had a change of heart during his transplant.

Iron bars do not a prison make... but they kind of help. – Luke Romyn

I’m as fit as a fiddle. I’m just badly out of tune and missing a few strings.

Yes, Mr. Vampire. You're very pretty and moody. You make me want to turn gay. Blah, blah, blah. – Luke Romyn

Midnight has trained Krystalle well so now both our cats are able to break into and ransack the linen closets.

Smoking dope answers all the questions of the universe, but this is eclipsed by the overwhelming need for snacks. – Luke Romyn

I saw a commercial announcing that Disney’s Snow White is coming out of the vault on DVD!! Yeah!! Pumpkins!!!

Age is relative. That's why I use my younger cousin's birth certificate – Luke Romyn

Our cat Midnight was licking a wound on her neck and it was not healing properly so we took her to the vet. $100 later, she is now licking the ointment off the wound on her neck so that it won’t heal properly.

I love walking up to an automatic glass door, only to discover it's actually a window. – Luke Romyn

Ever notice how people become very proprietary even with the temporary space they use. For example, I walked into my watercolour class yesterday and some guy is sitting in MY spot!! What’s his problem?!

Labia. There you go, I said it. Labia. Now I just have to figure out what it is... – Luke Romyn

*shaking my head at Luke* Labia is the fear of labs…

Binge drinking combined with a swollen prostrate equals a disaster for your drycleaner. – Luke Romyn 

I decided to quit smoking cold turkey… It gets the rolling paper kind of greasy and doesn’t burn well at all.

Don't tell anyone, but I cut my own hair. – (bald) Luke Romyn

My in-laws were having a problem with the power switch on their computer so we decided to fix it for them. Then, after lunch, we went computer shopping.

Running out of drugs to try? Snort some battery acid! You'll die horrendously, but at least you'll be original. – Luke Romyn

Some friends of ours went to Paraguay or El Salvador… Anyways, it was somewhere in Spain.

I'm not even able to seduce myself most days. – Luke Romyn

Have you ever noticed how some cities or towns have erected walls along the highways which pass close by? What do they have to hide?

Sex is a great release for anger... except in jail. – Luke Romyn 

If you fart in a closed phone booth, you’re only hurting yourself.

Guys shouldn't feel depressed if they need to sit down to pee. They should just go out and get their nails done to perk themselves up. – Luke Romyn

Everybody is saying TGIF, TGIF!! Hello?!! We all know that To Google Is Free!!

You might drive a fancy expensive car, but at least I don't have to pee with something the size of a tic-tac. – Luke Romyn 

I’ve considered using drugs but fear they may make me seem normal.

Idon'tknowwhytheymakesuchabigdealaboutcaffeineitdoesn'taffectmeatallatallatallatallatallatall – Luke Romyn

One nice side effect of the medication I’m taking is that I don’t have to wear the straight-jacket.

My time as a professional golfer rapidly ended when they realized how badly I suck at golf. – Luke Romyn 

How come nobody has ever written a best-seller crime thriller about cheese? Hmmm… I may be onto something!

Himalayan women take you higher. – Luke Romyn

There are two sides to every coin… And then, there’s that edge that goes all around it.

Friends don't ask friends to borrow underpants. – Luke Romyn

I get the impression that some of the male dancers on dance shows are gay… kinda cute too!!

When you're feeling really bad, just remember that in a hundred years you'll be dead and nobody will care. – Luke Romyn

Fun activity with my in-laws: We like to tell my in-laws that we’re coming for the week-end, then not show up and not answer the phone for days!! It’s a riot!!

I love you Winslow... In a totally non-sexual way... Not that you're not sexy......... Oh look, a tree! – Luke Romyn & featuring Winslow Eliot 

One of my fun hobbies is poking dead things with a stick. I started a club but don’t have any members yet. – Inspired by Kimberle Kelly of California

Corduroy and excessive flatulence are the main factors involved in spontaneous human combustion. – Luke Romyn 

I guess we’re pretty slow over here in Montreal because we’re 18 hours behind Kiribati.

It's not a good idea to bungee jump off the kitchen table. – Luke Romyn

We want to go to Hawaii but the air-fare is ridiculous so we decided to drive.

I like wearing roller blades on the treadmill. – Luke Romyn 

I sympathize with mothers around the globe when it comes to the pain associated with childbirth… And then I think about amoebas…

The problem with being nice to people is they will want to talk to you again. – Luke Romyn

This guy I know thinks he’s a big deal because he’s an aeronautics engineer with NASA. It’s not like it’s rocket science!

I think my toe just had an orgasm. – Luke Romyn

We sat by our new wood-stove last night to enjoy our first fire. Three hours later, once the temperature was a balmy 98 and I had lost 7 pounds, we decided that was enough enjoyment.

I wonder which strange, misshapen penis coined the phrase, "spanking the monkey"? – Luke Romyn 

I have discovered an efficient method to get free meals in restaurants. Once I’ve eaten but before I’ve paid, I go set a fire in the restroom.

Elmo is the Antichrist. – Luke Romyn

There is nothing as pleasant as unexpectedly walking into a bunch of spider webs that wrap all around your face.

Sports would be so much more exciting if they used explosive balls. – Luke Romyn

This morning, Joanne asked me, “Did you know that the tap is dripping in the powder room?” and I replied, “Yep.” Hey, we’re on top of things at our place!

I love to travel, except for all the damn tourists. – Luke Romyn

Things I’ve learned about home renovations: There are reasons why they suggest turning off the power before doing electrical work.

Some people think I'm demented, but I just think I'm psychotically flexible. – Luke Romyn

I dreamt that I was falling and when I woke up I was lying at the bottom of a canyon.

I love sending emails to myself just so I feel popular. – Luke Romyn

I was working on this act juggling three chainsaws. Now I’m practicing juggling two tennis balls with one hand.

Falling is a lot like walking, except you reach your destination a lot quicker. – Luke Romyn

Did you ever take a crap and find yourself disappointed when you look in the toilet after and see nothing there?

I think it would be great if shock jocks actually received high voltage shocks. – Luke Romyn 

Allow me to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Bating and over there is their son, Master Bating.

I'm all for legalizing hardcore drugs. Once all the idiots overdose, society will be a great deal cleaner. – Luke Romyn

Common sense? Is that another inter-country currency like the Euro?

There's something very disturbing about a fine looking woman biting into a pork sausage. – Luke Romyn

In Canada, we have car shelters we can assemble over our driveways in the winter. They are wonderful contraptions which sometimes get picked up by the wind and smashed into your house… We have a snow-thrower now!!

Alcohol brings incredible insight. For instance, the day after drinking, you will know without doubt that you're an idiot. – Luke Romyn 

Please note that most Simple Musings which I write are reviewed by Joanne to ensure that nobody thinks I’m too strange (and trust me, that’s a good thing!).

What do you mean Freddie Mercury was gay??? – Luke Romyn

We have a fool-proof system to detect if leftovers are still good. Joanne takes a good whiff and if she throws up, we don’t eat it.

At least if the Spice Girls reunite, I'll have a heap of new stuff for my therapist. – Luke Romyn

A farm-hand was sent to clean out a dung-filled pig-pen with a small two-tined pitchfork. The moral of the story: Too much doodoo, two little tines.

I love dealing with metrosexual guys. They cry so much easier. – Luke Romyn

Joanne is tough. The other morning, while boiling an egg, she told it, “Boil, Motherfucker!”

You never see people in films flicking their hair sexily when they have dreadlocks. – Luke Romyn

Adaptation of Pink Floyd’s Brain Damage in the first person: “I am on the grass, I am on the grass” (This is funny only if you are familiar with the song).

I tried out to be a cheerleader, but my pom poms kept flashing out from under my skirt. – Luke Romyn 

I just saw something about penis pills... OK, gel-caps I get but don't you think this is going a bit overboard?!

I refuse to enter any gym that plays music which makes me want to plait my hair. – Luke Romyn

A friend told me that I shouldn’t criticize her until I walked a mile in her shoes so I did. Spike heels are really stupid.

If you get called a butthead, it may not be because of a physical resemblance. Your breath might just smell like shit. – Luke Romyn 

I went out on a limb and the damned thing snapped off and I fell about twenty feet. Don’t go out on a limb.

I hope my water just broke, because if it didn't I really have a problem. – Luke Romyn

Try this at home!! Use regular dishwashing soap instead of dishwasher detergent in your dishwasher. Can anyone say BUBBLES!!

I can see my house from here... – Luke Romyn

Morning is my time of least resistance (if you don’t get this, my girlfriend does!)

I'm developing a new abbreviation. MAIOF - My Ass Is On Fire. – Luke Romyn 

Best line right after sex: "That was fun! I'm so glad I had that sex change." - anonymous donation by Winslow Eliot (sshhhh) 

I don't have multiple personality disorder... neither do I... Me neither... Hey, what are you guys talking about? 

I’d never do anything that could land me in prison. I have no desire to be rectified.

Entry into the tough guy academy requires a titanium scrotum and total absence of tear ducts. – Luke Romyn

I am made up of billions of cells… Like, I’m my very own Verizon Network!!

Be sure to pick the low-hanging fruit . . . unless you're a midget in a nudist camp. . – Luke Romyn

I had a really good one to share with you but then I forgot what it was. But, you would have laughed because it really was quite funny! Sorry.

!!!Warning!!! Do not set up your trampoline beneath a ceiling fan. – Luke Romyn

We got our cats a great new toy yesterday! It cost over $200 but was well worth it! It’s a beautiful, flat cardboard box and it came with a free computer monitor!! (I kept the monitor).

I always perform my own Twitter stunts; or Twunts for short. – Luke Romyn

You’ve heard of two birds with one stone? Yesterday, I did two chicks and a dude with one Tweet!

You always know the guilty person on TV. They're the one who used to be a character on Melrose Place. – Luke Romyn

Which word doesn’t belong? Monkey-wrench; Vaseline; Vibrator; Cheez-Whiz.

I'm psychic. I can tell my Tweet is going to end right here. – Luke Romyn

Yesterday, my girl friend handled raw chicken and later went out to cover the barbecue… She’s the next Lara Croft!!

Guys who drink Midori and pineapple might as well be parading in a crop top and hot pants. – Luke Romyn

You may remember a recent Simple Musing about a DVD player (if not, scroll down). If you replace “DVD player” with “computer monitor”, fiction becomes reality!!

Nerds are rioting! Beware of flaming calculators and protractors! – Luke Romyn

I just heard about a virtual farming site where paying members log on to raise virtual pigs and cows or grow virtual crops… And they say people don’t have a life!!!

Homeopaths do not fiddle with your bum. – Luke Romyn

For breakfast, I had a bacon, egg, lettuce, cheese & ham sandwich!! A BELCH!! 

I really appreciate how computer manufacturers put the serial numbers on the back of PC towers and monitors in hard to see places but I especially like the small print they use! This makes things much easier when you call tech support somewhere in Mumbai!! 

Thugs just wanna be understood . . . as they stomp on your face. - Luke Romyn 

Things men never say: "You want to go clothes shopping all day?!! Great!! I'll go start the car!!!" 

Duct tape fixes anything . . . except herpes. Nothing fixes that. - Luke Romyn

I was checking out some old leftovers in the fridge and I think I've discovered a new strain of penicillin. 

My ego's self esteem is over-inflated by it's own vanity. - Luke Romyn 

Don't mind the smoke. I was just thinking really hard.

Wet t-shirts competitions are more than just gratuitous sexuality. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure it's something. - Luke Romyn

pi: The dessert that never ends!!

I need therapy like I need a lobotomy... No, Doctor!! I was just kidding!! 

Things men never say: "Why, yes!! I'd love a bikini wax job!" 

Cleaning out your closet does not mean picking your nose. - Luke Romyn 

I'd love to have a family tree but they don't seem to sell seeds anywhere. 

Hey fat dude, those spandex pants weren't designed for you. - Luke Romyn 

We threw a surprise party for a mute friend of ours and, man ohman, was he speechless! 

A good sign you need waxing is when your back hair has sideburns. - Luke Romyn 

Our DVD player wasn't working right so I took it apart and now the new one works great! 

Hey metrosexual dude, you cracked a nail. Do you need a cuddle? - Luke Romyn 

The pizza sample lady at Costco gets downright irritable when I pull a chair over and have lunch... What's her problem? 

There's a new extreme sport where you navigate blindfolded through a PMS obstacle course with your testicles exposed. - Luke Romyn 

My buddy showed up after a root-canal, still all numbed out and he looked like a moron... Wait, he always looks like a moron.

First, you have to preheat the oven to 280 degrees, then put your head in and bash the door until crispy. - Luke Romyn

English guy who speaks a little French talking to a French guy who speaks a little English:
EG: "There, that's done."
FG: "Donne? Give?"
EG: "No, Done. Faite."
FG: "Oh, Fête! PARTY!" 

I'm not stalking you, your bushes are just really comfortable. - Luke Romyn 

Condoms, a five-iron, a jar of mayonnaise and some bungee cords... Imagine the possibilities!!!

I'm pretty sure Barbie is psychotic with PMS. - Luke Romyn

The half of a phone conversation I heard between my girlfriend and her son about leftovers in his fridge: "How long has it been there?"... "Anything growing on it?"... "What colour?"... 

If STDs were labelled things like 'burning balls' and 'scratchy vag', a lot more care would be taken pre-coitis. - Luke Romyn 

Sweet little comment I often make to my smaller cat, Midnight: "Stop eating hairballs, idiot!" 

Eyebrows are not meant to be long enough to brush. - Luke Romyn 

I saw a cute little five year old girl in the park throwing stones at some squirrels. I told her, "You shouldn't do that, sweetie. You might hurt them." She replied, "Fuck off, asshole." 

Do not trust a girl who turns up for a date with pruning shears in her purse. - Luke Romyn 

I'm out of wit... I'm witless... 

Too much sex can cause distractions from . . . . And I said to him . . . . your train of thought. - Luke Romyn 

Studies show that smoking cannabis will affect your short-term memory and... ok... what were we talking about? 

It's not a midlife crisis, it's a predeath splurge. - Luke Romyn

My girlfriend has long hair and she let's our cat play with it. I have a beard so our cat bites my face... Lovely... 

I'm thinking of taking up cross-dressing, just so I have something different to wear. - Luke Romyn 

In a recent survey, most women said that they'd prefer spontaneous combustion over menopausal hot-flashes. 

Trying not to have issues can give you issues. - Luke Romyn 

My girlfriend told me I was a riot. I prefer to see myself more as a peaceful group of activists supporting a cause.

If you accidently run over someone, do not reverse. - Luke Romyn 

There is no such thing as 'worse than liver'. 

I'm afraid of phobias. - Luke Romyn 

Whenever I simulate a natural disaster, like creating an earthquake with massive explosives, for example, I always do so far away from home. Like, I'm not crazy!!

Guns don't kill people, but they don't help the situation much either. - Luke Romyn 

A friend gave us the cutest little pet bunny. Delicious!! 

Sadists aren't necessarily sad. - Luke Romyn 

Decapitation is nothing to lose your head over. - Luke Romyn

Taking a nap when driving on cruise control is not recommended. 

I wonder how long it will be until kids' imaginary friends become classed as a form of schizophrenia. - Luke Romyn

How to repair a malfunctioning computer monitor: Turn off; turn on; check connections; turn off; turn on; press all buttons and switches; swear; turn off; disconnect all connections; throw monitor in driveway; clean up driveway; go buy a new monitor. (This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales are purely coincidental.) 

Stupidity is the only excuse for stupidity. - Luke Romyn 

Don't you hate when you're about to roll a doobie and you realize that you're out of rolling paper? I've been told it's very annoying. 

Cops love me. I'm the only one more corrupt than them. - Luke Romyn 

Horrors of riding the commuter train: My girlfriend has had to share a four seat island with another person TWICE in the last week!! (This is a true story) 

Jumping off a building will result in death by natural causes. Gravity is natural. - Luke Romyn 

Now that we got ourselves a wood stove, we can finally get rid of those skeletons in our closet. 

Meditation is good for the soul. Podiatry is good for the sole. - Luke Romyn 

Fun thing to say to a customs official: "Bet you won't find anything!! *wink, wink*

Job stability is an issue if you're a rodeo rider. - Luke Romyn 

Studies show that telling your boss that he is 'a goddamned moron with shit for brains' may have an effect on your quality of work-life. 

I love cleaning, but unfortunately I have a strange condition which renders me allergic to every single cleaning solution known to man. - Luke Romyn 

Amusing mealtime antic with young children: Pop a complete hard-boiled egg in their mouth!! 

I auditioned to be on The Biggest Loser, but apparently it's about weight loss! - Luke Romyn

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... Guess what we're having for dinner! 

Imagine a world without walls. There'd be a lot more deaths from roofs collapsing. - Luke Romyn 

Apples taste better at night because they're free. - contributed unknowingly by Jack Chase, my father-in-law and apple thief.

Yes I'm sick, twisted and potentially evil, but so was Satan and nobody hated him! - Luke Romyn 

I took a bath yesterday. Man, was I in hot water!! 

I really love going into a hairdresser and asking for a trim as I unbuckle my belt. - Luke Romyn 

Our cat, Krystalle is really bright. She's figured out that if she slinks really slowly, she becomes invisible. Like I said, really bright... 

I tried to be an underwear model, but they only offered me women's lingerie. - Luke Romyn 

Did you ever stop to think of how some people waste hours each day trying to be funny by writing stupid little things on the internet. Bunch of losers!!

It's kind of ironic that you're not allowed a cell phone when you're in an actual cell. - Luke Romyn 

It's a good thing I'm unemployed. Otherwise I wouldn't have the time to mull over those dark and dreary thoughts about not having a job. 

I thank God every day that my wife has the patience to put up with the idiot she's married to. - Luke Romyn 

I took my temperature to see if I was running a fever. According to the thermometer, I'm dead... I'm concerned...

Snow tires are not actually made of snow. - Luke Romyn

Never eat road kill before cooking it properly first. 

I've developed a new sexual position for married couples. It's called the 'why bother'. - Luke Romyn 

Etcetera. The word means more than it says... You know, it means more... Like, when you say 'etcetera', it means more... Get it? - Inspired and co-created by Joanne 

Misleading advertising: Hash browns contain no actual hash. - Luke Romyn

A bipolar policeman can be both good cop AND bad cop. - Luke Romyn 

I do what I want when I want. For instance, I didn't ask my cats if I could close the patio door. I just did it!! 

Etcetera. Not just a cool word! Could be a real funky sports car! 

Do not tie the bungee chord around your neck. - Luke Romyn 

Inter-species dating is never perceived well by society. - Luke Romyn 

"I once had a girl, or should I say, she once... Hey?! Why are you setting fire to my Norweigan cottage?!" 

I hate it when my cat rips out my internal organs or slices my femoral artery with her claws... It just bugs me. 

I only became a writer because all the cool porn star names were already taken. - Luke Romyn

Did you ever try to blink with your eyes closed? - Luke Romyn 

Social media abbreviations don't always work in French. For example, Bonjour becomes BJ and Bonsoir becomes BS. 

The only good thing about a clear conscience is all the extra room for more sin. - Luke Romyn 

My girlfriend woke me up at 3:00 on Sunday morning by giving me a blo... Oops!! That's not the story I wanted to tell!! 

Peeing when you have to... Always a good part of the equation. 

All of my early girlfriends were wonderful . . . apart from when I was sober. - Luke Romyn 

Do not jump through hoops if you have no legs. - Luke Romyn 

Comment I overheard from my father-in-law: "It's always best to cremate the body." ???

Note to idiots: You're an idiot. - Luke Romyn 

I think that there's a big conspiracy to screw with my head. Good thing I'm not paranoid.

Yesterday, my girlfriend mentioned that sometimes she had to fuck with her cell phone to turn it on. Is that what they mean by phone sex? 

Drunken slurring does not count as an exotic accent. - Luke Romyn 

String theory does not involve actual string. - Luke Romyn 

My girlfriend once had a financial orgasm.

What are we congratulating people for on their birthday? Not dying? - Luke Romyn 

Note to myself.. use larger pads of paper when writing simple musings...

Luke and I are in a baldness competition but I suspect that he's using steroids.. 

I can fly a plane, as long as it's stationary. - Luke Romyn 

Don't you hate when hash gets stuck under your fingernails... or so I've heard. 

Want good value for money? Become your own prostitute! - Luke Romyn 

I'm waiting for them to develop a live fur coat. Pet and pret a-porter in one. - Luke Romyn

Wasabe coated peanuts!!! Fun squirrel food!! 

I remember when I was in Amsterdam... Uhh... No... I don't remember when I was in Amsterdam... At all... 

Want good value for money? Become your own prostitute! - Luke Romyn

I don't need drugs to achieve a higher plane of existence. I'm already there. - Luke Romyn

The problem with young adults today is that they spend too much time working out, studying and planning for the future and not enough time smoking pot. 

Every man knows kung-fu when he's drunk. - Luke Romyn 

I was afraid that I'd be hung over this morning but thankfully, I'm still drunk. 

High diving is easy. It's the landing that's difficult. - Luke Romyn 

My stepson and his girlfriend just love to hang out with us. She's into archeology and he's into ancient history. 

Gravity doubles for every six beers consumed. - Luke Romyn 

I downloaded some amazing images that God created taken by the Hubble telescope!!! I just have to adjust the colours in PhotoShop before I post them. 

Felafel. Just saying it makes you feel better. Felafel. - Luke Romyn 

I love Snow-White and Cinderella but, I always get confused between the dwarfs and the pumpkin... 

French lesson: Fleece of seal = Ouate de phoque 

Have I told you you're beautiful? No? Thank God! - Luke Romyn 

Followers you don't want on Twitter - FBI, CIA, HomelandSecurity, IRS, IRA, CosaNostra... 

I think I just got poked in my mind's eye. - Luke Romyn 

Is it pronounced Celtic or Celtic? 

Hehehehehe!!! I got a new battery for the laser pointer!! (You will need to scroll down to get this one if you're new here or suffer from amnesia)

I always believe in peace, except when it comes to violence. - Luke Romyn 

I saw an ad for a website boasting "These Girls are Nude and Live!!"... as compared to what, "Dressed and Dead!!"?? 

I like you, but my friend's neighbour's wife's cousin's daughter's brother's friend's labradoodle thinks you're a douche. - Luke Romyn 

If I had a nickel for each of these things I wrote here, I'd have.. let's see... $2.55. 

When I read this Simple Musings column, I become gravely concerned about the state of mind of its writers. 

Sex sells, especially if you're a prostitute. - Luke Romyn 

"Ever COOL!!! Padded walls!!!" 

Virginity is highly overrated. - Luke Romyn 

"It's a lovely jacket, Doctor, but does it have to be tied so tight around the back?" 

Do you realize that if you rearrange the letters of United States, you get detsitunesta? haven't a clue what it means but it's pretty neat!

Feeling tired? Drop your testicles on a loaded mouse trap! (Not applicable for genetic females) - Luke Romyn

It's funny how where you live makes you what you are. For example, people from Berlin are Berliners, yet people from Hamburg and Frankfurt are fast-food. 

Sex with sheep is still wrong even if you're wearing a woollen coat. - Luke Romyn 

Can someone explain to me how you can get four portions out of one box of Kraft Dinner?? 

Regurgitation. More than just a really cool word. - Luke Romyn 

My computer was acting up yesterday and, at one point I got really angry and told it, "01001101100010100011 !!" 

Must be frustrating talking about garbage in a trailer park. 'Trash' is already used so much it might be confusing. - Luke Romyn 

The writing is on the wall. And it's written with a permanent Sharpie marker. That's gonna be a bitch to clean! 

Someone told me the other day that I was full of myself?! Well, yeah! What did they expect me to be filled with? Chicken livers? 

Confusion can prove bewildering. - Luke Romyn 

It is said that you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket but then you have to get a bigger fridge to fit all those damned egg baskets in.

Shopping is like catnip for women. - Luke Romyn 

I once tried eavesdropping but I fell off the roof. - inspired by Tom Riddell

Don't let basketball players hold your baby while watching game highlights. Flashbacks may occur and junior might get dunked. - Luke Romyn 

They say to never bite the hand that feeds you. They're right; I bit my finger while eating breakfast this morning and it hurt like hell.

I, uh.. I mean, my friend set fire to my, uh.. his neighbour's cedar hedge with one of those propane weed-burners. What and idiot!! 

Trust me, the bartender really doesn't care. - Luke Romyn 

Glasses are merely a sign that you see so well your eyes just can't keep up. - Luke Romyn 

The battery went dead on the laser pointer so my cat's back (scroll down a bit to get this one). 

My home computer is really top of the line! There's even this button I can press and out pops a cup-holder! 

I know of no other way to fight than with heart, soul . . . and dirty tricks. - Luke Romyn 

A couple of crows perched on a rock sharing a joint - Two birds with one stone.

Bored with your job? Shoot your boss in the pinky toe and watch the hilarity unfold. - Luke Romyn 

Recent research supported by photos taken with the Hubble telescope confirm with little doubt that the universe is really, really huge. 

A bird in the hand might crap so wear gloves. 

Temporary amnesia clogs my ability to learn from my mistakes. - Luke Romyn 

Bored? Try playing Russian Roulette with a nailgun! - Luke Romyn 

They can put a man on the moon but they can't make a wine-box that doesn't drip. 

Well, it is only 1:45... But I DO work in the morning... But it ISN'T very challenging work... Hmmm... Yeah, I'll have another one... - inspired by Jo 

My cat loves to chase the beam of a laser pointer so I taped one to her head in the on position.  If you see her, she’s a black cat, about ten pounds, has a laser pointer taped to her head, might still be running… 

Working on a cerebral haemorrhage isn't so difficult. I mean, it's not like it's brain surgery. - Luke Romyn 

I am not a bot. I have two titanium arms and legs, LED eyes and an AMD Athlon 64X2 Dual Core Processor like anybody else!! 

I was out taking photographs the other day and this guy asked, "What kind of film do you use?" Film... In a camera... What a dumb-ass... 

I could have been a mountain climber, but I'm allergic to rocks. - Luke Romyn 

Every evil person in history has had a moustache. Adolf Hitler. Saddam Hussein. Martha Stewart. - Luke Romyn 

I was on a flight home the other day and just as we were coming in for the landing, I reclined my seat and lowered my tray table... We crashed. 

The IT department sent an email to all employees to inform them that the email server is down. 

The truth shall set you free, except in court. - Luke Romyn 

Carpentry is not a subject I'm willing to make jokes about. Jesus might get pissed off. - Luke Romyn 

We got a little cat to keep our big cat company. At first, the big cat didn’t really like the little one but now she beats the crap out of it daily. 

I built myself a wood stove but the damned thing burned up when I made my first fire. 

Being an evil genius is overrated. Having an IQ of 180 won't make your butt less attractive in the prison showers. - Luke Romyn

After several years, I decided to cease my therapy. Those electric shocks just hurt too much. 

Leg hair stubble can be annoying for your partner, especially if they have sensitive ears. - Luke Romyn 

Gentlemen, if you don't wear underpants, might I recommend button-fly jeans. 

If I could be anyone I wanted, I would want to be me. An insanely richer, incredibly more famous and highly powerful me, but me nonetheless. 

I want to make a porn movie, I'm just waiting for the technology. They currently don't have a camera which can film that quick. - Luke Romyn 

When I look at the world today, how things have changed and evolved and how technology has rapidly advanced, I realize that this place is getting really screwed up. 

If you are reading my Tweets, please be sure to wear pants. I'm not sure what you may catch, and will not be held liable. - Luke Romyn

Is life getting you down? Feeling worn out, stressed and overly tense? Try cocaine!! 

From Shakespeare and Chaucer to BRB & LOL. My, how humanity has evolved. - Luke Romyn

Fire is the ultimate tool for survival. Cook food, fend off wild beasts . . . burn down your neighbour's house. - Luke Romyn 

If a company wanted to develop a de-atomizer laser gun to be used to pulverize the cars of bad drivers, I would invest in that company and volunteer to test the prototypes. 

If at first you don't succeed, find someone to lay the blame on. 

The end is here . . . and now it's here . . . wait, it's over here now... - Luke Romyn

Some cities are installing audio signals at traffic lights to help the blind. Personally, I don't think they should be driving. 

I like porn movies, especially ones with a happy ending. - Luke Romyn

People sign into these social media websites to connect with others and then get automation software so that they don't have to waste their time socializing... Huh?? 

Even at Christmas, never feed tinsel to your cat.

Pizza is perfect. All the food groups in a circular package. What more could you ask for? - Luke Romyn 

My life is full of conflict . . . or confusion. I can never tell which. - Luke Romyn 

The problem with deaf people is that they just don't listen! 

Yesterday, I saw a little old lady walking a tiny toy poodle and I thought, “I could put that dog through the meat grinder, no problem!!”

One icy morning last winter, I saw the poor mailman slip and fall and crack his head on the sidewalk.  Boy, did I laugh!!

Somewhere, humanity's gene pool got screwed up and the result was contestants on reality TV. - Luke Romyn

I thought that a friend of mine had melanoma.  Did I ever feel dumb at the funeral when I found out he had myeloma!!

"Masturbation" and "Tazer" are two words which should never be used in the same sentence. - Luke Romyn

In an effort to help reduce road rage, whenever I see someone driving aggressively, I run them into a wall or a ditch.

Hot teachers in mini skirts who constantly drop the chalk: Yet another thing I missed out on during childhood. - Luke Romyn

We are all beautiful in the eyes of God, except for the fat dude wearing only a thong. - Luke Romyn

I guess that going ape-shit is simply one digestive step further than going bananas.

Each time I see an insect, like an ant or a spider crawling across the floor, I always think,  “It’s amazing how something so small can be alive!” before I step on them.

Real men aren't afraid to cry. They're just afraid of their friends calling them a sissy. - Luke Romyn

When you’re feeling really down and depressed and wish you were dead, just remember, life sucks.

I sometimes enjoy sodomizing a word into a conversation even if I’m not sure what it means.

If you fail, pick yourself up and try again . . . unless you're a kamikaze pilot. - Luke Romyn

I'm gonna be rich! I just started bottling all the oil leaking from my car. If this keeps up I'll be a millionaire! - Luke Romyn

People who operate the shrink-wrap machines in manufacturing plants hate the people who buy their products.

When things are at their darkest, I always remind myself, "DO NOT PEE YOUR PANTS!" - Luke Romyn

My answering machine picked up a call from an automated call system and now they’re dating.

Some say that once our body dies, we remain as energy. So like, I’ll end up in a gas tank?

It's not that life sucks, you just suck at it. - Luke Romyn

'Enema' is spelt similar to 'enemy' for a reason. - Luke Romyn

When I’m feeling down or frustrated, I give my cat a bath and once she’s soaked, screaming, hissing and clawing, I feel better.